Personal Blather!

You know one of those days where you don't know why exactly but you just feel really down? It's kind of like that. I try very hard to always be happy, smiling, confident, strong... but I can't do it all the time... I'm trying hard to, and I'm praying hard about it too, but I just can't seem to get it most of the time. I wished I knew how to do it... God help me...

My mind is in turmoil... a small one probably, but it's still uneasy nontheless. I sometimes don't know if I'm thinking the right things, the things that God would want me to think... On one hand God wants me to succeed in the areas of my life I am called to... like my studies, my ministry, financially, my relationship with other people... but it just seems overwhelming sometimes... Maybe I'm not meant to do well in so many areas... it's virtually impossible because you can't focus on so many things at once.

I think I need to draw a line somewhere for certain things in my life. Call it a safety mechanism, but it would serve to help both myself and the people around me. Perhaps I am avoiding the challenge, but I don't know if it's a challenge or a barrier God put up to protect me, and so unless He says otherwise I take it as such. How do you know when God opens doors? How do you know when you are merely listening to 'voices in your head'? What if you were really convinced that something is from God, but not everyone understands? There will always be people who don't agree with what you might want to do... but does that mean we should then take it as God didn't quite want things to go that way even though you are convinced He told you so? I don't know... Although I wished I did... God is so cryptic sometimes, I wonder why He just doesn't come down and shake me up nicely and tell me what He wants me to do explicitly. It would certainly make things much simpler.

No, I don't intend to stay down... I'm trusting in Him to fill me with His spirit that I may be refreshed. It's just that when you don't know if that something is from God, you don't know if you should run for it... nor do you know if you can achieve it. The key issue is this: If God really did speak explicitly, or at least in a way that we are clear about His will, then we can do what we can to achieve it. Now if we DON'T know if it's God's will, how will you run for it? How can you fight for something if you're afraid it goes against what HE wants? You'd be fighting a losing battle, and you'd THINK you're fighting for Him!

Yes, I know the answer is prayer. Knowing well that doing something brings peace to your heart, that too is a sign that it is God's will... but that's IF He speaks... sometimes He doesn't for some reason... Guess we'll just be in a state of suspension waiting for His direction then.

I don't know what God wants for me, but I do know that I commit it to Him everyday. I pray that He will speak to me... guess I might as well try now...