Personal Blather!

I've completed most of the major papers. Surprisingly, I managed to go through this semester's modules pretty ok. Almost all papers I went for has been doable... not perfect, but I at least know I managed to answer all required questions. Whether or not they are 100% correct is another matter. My last paper isn't study intensive and is open book, so I'm pretty fine with it.

So to take a breather, I've called today a no-study day. I have cell later which I'm looking forward to. In the meantime, I've decided to do a few things like update my blog, play a few rounds of CS (which we just recently 'rediscovered'), Gunbound, DotA, even play a little on my own WoW server. I also still have a number of classic games I have yet to complete, like Lucasarts' Day of the Tentacle, Loom and Grim Fandango. I DID finish Syberia, and will probably start on Syberia 2 soon. Things are looking very interesting.

I spoke to my lecturer after my paper yesterday, and I'm quite confirmed on my intern for the coming holidays. It's only a cap of 40 hours, although the amount of time I'd have to spend outside that 40 hours would be quite significant too. The pay will be nice I suppose, but the work won't be easy. Guess it's better than doing nothing.

I think exam periods in university is funny. You get it so often that it becomes a norm... so much so that you lose the 'Oh this is a big exam' feeling... EVERY exam is 'big', which is why I'm a little surprised that some people get very very stressed for certain papers. I really put into practice positive confession this time around, and like I mentioned above, I think I did my papers pretty decently. It's not lying to yourself, it's called being optimistic!

I might have posted about optimism some time back (maybe a year or so) and I know that naturally, I'm quite pessimistic. I admit that I 'chose' to be a pessimist because either things work out great for you, or you get proven right! I know that being disappointed when you're expecting or hoping for something isn't nice... and it can be downright painful if it's something significant. But honestly, it never hurts to think positive. It may seem like you're being humble by putting yourself down and thinking negatively of yourself or what you can achieve, but it's not... You're simply not being truthful to yourself. Being optimistic means hoping for the best, and to keep hoping for the best even when things fail. Strong people are like that.

I won't post too long because I DO have a lot of things I might want to do. I do however know I'd like to be stronger, to be positive when other people are feeling down, to have a different spirit when things get tough. I may not enjoy it, but I can make a difference. I finally understand first hand what I've been hearing from cell a lot about being positive. I think it's not a bad thing.

Perhaps I'll post more on this issue another time. To everyone still having exams (including me), all the best, hope for the best, and do the best you can! I'm just grateful for what He's done so far and I'm still holding on to Him and standing firmly, waiting for Him to deliver... I know He will!

Only had one day of papers so far. Three more papers to go of which I am only 'confident' of the last one. The other two needs work, but the problem is I'm not sure how to work it... at least not yet... Redid the tutorials and intending to do past year papers. Both are open book, meaning I really don't know how to study for them... God help me!

Nothing much happening. Studies are currently top priority for most of the people around me. Some are already making plans for after the final paper, but I still haven't... really ought to or I'll end up at the end of the holidays wishing I had done a lot more.

Most of all, thanks to everyone for keeping me in prayers. The papers so far were ok/good, so I really thank God for that. I'm praying for all the people taking exams too, so just do what you can and leave the rest to Him! We'll rest after it's over.

Now, to catch some shut eye. Next paper is in the morning, so my body clock has to be adjusted. I'll update more when I can.

Exams start on Monday and I'm trying to do my best for it.

I wanted to see my sister this weekend, but I really think it's not wise to head down to Orchard today. Perhaps tomorrow on my way back from church I'll drop by.

Timetable:

24th Apr, 1 PM: LAC1201 Chinese 1
24th Apr, 5 PM: CS2106 Operating systems (This is a killer)
27th Apr, 9 AM: CS2271 Embedded systems
28th Apr, 9 AM: EE2009 Signals
2nd May, 1 PM: CS2301 Business and Technical communication (Not studying till after everything else, non-technical so less stressful)

So, please remember to stand in the gap for me.

I admire good leadership. It is a key ingredient to a great organisation. It is one of the main things which makes or breaks a group. Unfortunately, it is sorely lacking in a lot of people nowadays. I know there are some people with great leadership skills and capabilities, but it seems to be getting rarer and rarer. A lot of 'leaders' we have now seem to concentrate a lot more on covering their 'asses' (forgive the crude language) instead of making things better for others. It appears that the current climate of society is utterly unsuitable to produce true leadership since it has IMHO, been reduced to a game of politics, which I utterly despise.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not so naive to believe that politics is not part and parcel of leadership. Still, one CAN be ideallistic no? The best kind of leadership is the kind where one puts the interest of the entire group ahead of ones position. Respect comes not from having a lack of faults, but from the fact that one portrays good leadership qualities that make one fit to lead. In a way, society is to blame for expecting only perfect people to be in positions of power. Yes, it is important to have a competent person in charge, but it is even more important that THAT person is working for the good of the people, not just himself. I'm not saying all leaders are in it just to abuse their position, but there appears to be quite a huge number that do. Perhaps this is subjective, but I think it we need more capable, morally upright and virtuous leaders in every field.

Vision is important, and I think this is particularly lacking in young people today. Many don't know where they're heading or what they want to achieve, so they just go through the motions, achieving mediocre results at best. Again, not everyone is like that, but it seems that there are less and less such young people rising up. Without vision the people perish, and to be honest, that is what appears to be happening slowly in many different areas. Leaders should strive to achieve greater good, not merely fulfill obligations.

Politics is the "Intrigue or maneuvering within a political unit or group in order to gain control or power" (Dictionary.com). To quote further from the dictionary, politics is "The often internally conflicting interrelationships among people in a society." This particularly applies to positions where a person is either in public office or is considered 'influential'. I despise politics, simply because it is largely unethical, extremely self-centered, immoral and detrimental to the people in the long run. Some people treat it as a game, but one with dire consequences. The rules of the game are simple: There are no rules as long as you don't get caught. This simple creed has led to a lot of underhanded tactics, unwarranted malice and personal attacks, all of which do nobody any good.

It is simply a fact that leaders of high positions would have to grapple with politics. However, I believe that the leader is the one who sets the rules for him/herself. Again, I may have an euphemistic view, but although people feel it will fail, I do not see why an ethical person with honesty and integrity cannot go far in any political position. True, there's a lot of red tape that can be easily resolved by a 'not-so-ethical' method. Is it wrong and foolish then to choose NOT to do it? Perhaps in the eyes of most people it is, but to me, it is not. It would take a lot of guts and courage to go the more difficult path of choosing the right thing even if it causes a lot of 'unnecessary' difficulties. I doubt many would concur.

This is just my opinion on leadership and politics, so I will not say that whatever written here should be adopted by all. However, after examining the current situation and considering my own disposition, I still strongly believe in this euphemistic view. Leaders should have vision, especially those in political positions. This coupled with the passion to lead, not just with themselves in mind, but the good of the people, is a good recipe for a successful organisation.

Tags: Leadership, Politics, Vision

Easter service today was really awesome! The play was superb... and although it isn't as slow paced as an ordinary drama, it captured a lot of emotions and displayed it beautifully on stage. It was a truly heart-wrenching piece, as once again the story of Jesus was told, focussing this time on two different yet similar characters; Judas and Simon Peter. They both had their flaws, and they both came to a crossroad. One chose the right path, the other chose the wrong one. The main theme of the drama was that it's not what choices you've made that makes you who you are... It's the choices you make TODAY that defines just who you are. That was a very important part of the drama which I am reminded of.

As usual, the events leading up to the crucifixion of Jesus were portrayed in a no nonsense, truthful way... with all the blood, flogging, shouts, emotions, everything. No matter how many times I've seen it, no matter how it seems similar every year, I still break into tears because I'm reminded of just what my saviour went through 2000 years ago... and it was all for... me... No greater love is there than this; that a man lay down his life for another, and He did just that on calvary. He went through the suffering, the humiliation, the pain... and it was one of the most gruesome ways to die.

I am reminded that He is first and foremost, that He is not secondary to anything, that He is what I should focus on. I truly believe that in running for His will, I will be able to become what He made me to be... to achieve things I never imagined, and to go the distance that no ordinary person can without His help. The only sad thing about today, was that noone came with me to experience the same things I experienced... Still, I'm holding on to You, and I thank You for everything in my life, even if it may not look great... I believe they can be through You!

When you realise at last
Without much of a fuss
That you are but a piece of glass
Barely noticed as you walk pass

When you come to know such
That what you thought meant much
Was but dust to be scattered
Or like garbage to be trampled

When it dawns upon you
And you know and you know it's true
That nothing that you say or do
Means anything although you want it to

When you find that you are nobody
Even though you try hard not to be
And struggle with things you can't see
And are reminded that it's vain futility

So realise that you mean nothing
Your existence was merely fleeting
Face it, don't keep denying
It's not easy but just keep trying

Then perhaps you will grow stronger
Though it hurts when you realise it's bitter
To be invisible and be thought of never
Though you remember
And wished you too could just turn your rear
It might take years
But perhaps someday, things will be better

I never realised just how insignificant I actually was... or am... Really wished I was a much better person...

My project is progressing, though not as fast as I'd like it to. I realised how crappy I am at true programming... I just can't bring myself to totally immerse myself in coding anymore... I rather just start studying, so I do an alternating between the two. It's amazing that I'm spending most of my time going through materials only for ONE module... this module is interesting, in that it handles a lot of things which I was asking when I first stepped into my first year. However, it has come to a point I seem to do almost nothing else except this module... Quite scary... But God knows I'm doing my best...

Hall just got a little more interesting... President and Vice-President elects are now out, and I can FINALLY progress with my concert. It's cool that I know them and can work with them... and I really do support them 100%. People ask why I didn't run, and my answer is simple: It's not my calling. I do what I believe He wants me to do, not what I want to do. I take on the responsibilities He wants me to take, not just any that come my way. All the best to them!

Yes, this is just a short update on what's been happening. Sometimes I feel really foolish... others I just feel lost. I just know that I need to grind it through and hopefully then I can come to a point where I just don't care what happens anymore. I believe He can help me, no matter what the circumstance. Life isn't up, but it's not totally down either. It's hovering somewhere in between and I don't know if it's on the way up again, or on the verge of plunging... I can believe for it to be the former, which is what I'm working towards.

Haven't had much time to think about much lately, so nothing profound or thought-provoking... at least not yet.

The pressure is mounting. It's not just about studying, it's about completing assignments and labs and other deadlines. Don't these people realise that one week isn't enough to study everything? Why do I still have a lab on my last week?

Forget the rant. I need to buck up more. I'm progressing, but I'm worried if it's not fast enough. I try my best, I just pray that God help me do above and beyond what I cannot on my own.

Short post... need to get back to books... hopefully I get enough done tonight...

You know one of those days where you don't know why exactly but you just feel really down? It's kind of like that. I try very hard to always be happy, smiling, confident, strong... but I can't do it all the time... I'm trying hard to, and I'm praying hard about it too, but I just can't seem to get it most of the time. I wished I knew how to do it... God help me...

My mind is in turmoil... a small one probably, but it's still uneasy nontheless. I sometimes don't know if I'm thinking the right things, the things that God would want me to think... On one hand God wants me to succeed in the areas of my life I am called to... like my studies, my ministry, financially, my relationship with other people... but it just seems overwhelming sometimes... Maybe I'm not meant to do well in so many areas... it's virtually impossible because you can't focus on so many things at once.

I think I need to draw a line somewhere for certain things in my life. Call it a safety mechanism, but it would serve to help both myself and the people around me. Perhaps I am avoiding the challenge, but I don't know if it's a challenge or a barrier God put up to protect me, and so unless He says otherwise I take it as such. How do you know when God opens doors? How do you know when you are merely listening to 'voices in your head'? What if you were really convinced that something is from God, but not everyone understands? There will always be people who don't agree with what you might want to do... but does that mean we should then take it as God didn't quite want things to go that way even though you are convinced He told you so? I don't know... Although I wished I did... God is so cryptic sometimes, I wonder why He just doesn't come down and shake me up nicely and tell me what He wants me to do explicitly. It would certainly make things much simpler.

No, I don't intend to stay down... I'm trusting in Him to fill me with His spirit that I may be refreshed. It's just that when you don't know if that something is from God, you don't know if you should run for it... nor do you know if you can achieve it. The key issue is this: If God really did speak explicitly, or at least in a way that we are clear about His will, then we can do what we can to achieve it. Now if we DON'T know if it's God's will, how will you run for it? How can you fight for something if you're afraid it goes against what HE wants? You'd be fighting a losing battle, and you'd THINK you're fighting for Him!

Yes, I know the answer is prayer. Knowing well that doing something brings peace to your heart, that too is a sign that it is God's will... but that's IF He speaks... sometimes He doesn't for some reason... Guess we'll just be in a state of suspension waiting for His direction then.

I don't know what God wants for me, but I do know that I commit it to Him everyday. I pray that He will speak to me... guess I might as well try now...

Online forums are really cool. The evolved from bulletin boards and now have some pretty wild features which make them all the more interesting. I first got really involved in a forum known as Mangareaders while searching for some manga. all of us came from all over the world sharing a common interest; manga. However, we grew to be a community who enjoyed interaction with others even though it was a half-way round the globe. I still keep in contact with some of the members. I've moved on from there, but I am still very fond of the site... as well as forums in general.

Ever since it was formed as a means for people to interact, forums have been plagued by a group of people who although do not cause real harm, still pose a problem to other users as well as the administrators and moderators. Flaming is the act of posting something deragatory or malicious with the intent of defaming or to cause mental harm to another person. Simply put, it is an online argument which degenerates into personal attacks, insults and the like. Flaming is not constructive as it serves only to feed on a person's ego at the expense of another person. Unfortunately, this happens most of the time because being only human, people tend to take things the wrong way, either personally or otherwise. Such thinking cannot neccesarily be faulted because although personal, is very much dependent on the personality and character of a person; something we cannot make others stop doing. Thankfully, there are people around who are actually level headed enough to smooth the matter over for the good of everyone else.

Flaming can occur to an individual or to a group. Moderators generally disallow flames and instead ask people to settle their differences through other means, not by posting again and again in a forum. A forum can be private or public, but it is never a chat room for only two people, or two GROUPS of people to squabble. There is always the third party who is uninvolved and yet have to put up with such incidences simply because it is posted in the forum. Such things are inefficient and unneeded. Forums are places with rules, and they differ from one forum to another. It is important to abide by them so that the maximum capability of the forum and the community can be brought out. Discussion is the most important focus, not squabbles. Accept different views and be objective, choosing what to agree with and what not to. We all have our own mindsets, so don't impose yours on others. The goal of a forum is to have people come together to share these views and discuss them, hopefully for the betterment of the issue at hand.

By firmly keeping this thought in place, and by not losing sight of the fact that these are just opinions, we can actually make logical and coherent points instead of resorting to personal attacks. Be open minded and don't take things personally... it would help make ANY forum a better place.

Today was an interesting day indeed...

I started out with only Chinese tutorial which was cut short due to the fact that we had our oral test... and since I took mine last week, I was free to go early. YAY!

Bought back lunch (Jap food) and ate it with Jacob. Had more with Boon Gee and Yee Kiau. Then I went to study a little for my Signals paper, finishing yet another chapter. Went for tea and had a couple of games of bridge, so a pretty slack day if you ask me. Dinner was at Brewesk at Clarke Quay where I had a huge burger with bacon, melted cheese and onion rings. Reason for going to Clarke Quay? I was going to visit Club Momo for a One Night Stand.

Before you start raising your eyebrows, let me explain. One Night Stand was organised by Yujun, a fellow hall mate for Start Up Singapore where people can do pitching in a more relax and fun environment. It was an interesting concept, and I went there to support him as well as try to learn a little. Unfortunately, due to a miscommunication, I arrived late after all the presentations were done, and although I don't think I missed anything much (the general feedback was that it was boring), I still felt a bit bad for not being able to see the main event. Still, we can't go back and change things, so that's that.

So what did we do then? We headed to small little room at the corner of Club Momo, called Momo Live! This little room about the size of two shoplots featured a LIVE BAND. I was blown away by the quality of their playing. The singers had awesome voices, the drummer was very good, the lead guitarist was a true natural being a master of almost any solo, the bassist was awesome and IMHO, looked a little like Brandon Frasier, the keyboardist certainly knew how to play with effects, and the lead singers had voices that were spectacular. Hall band has got a LONG way to go... but they ARE professionals, so they should have a certain standard no? The sound balance was cool too...

How does this relate to me? Well, it was Thursday night, and on Thursdays they have a live jamming session. Patrons are welcomed to join in the singing, sort of like a karaoke session... And I decided to give it a go... I don't fancy myself a very talented singer, but I do know I can hold a note. I picked something I knew I could sing, which I had practiced before, and which hall people may find overdone... but I liked the song nontheless. My rendition of Wherever You Will Go by The Calling may not be as good as Alby's IMHO, but I really like it... Prior to going up, I had butterflies in my stomach... I always get nervy before going on stage... but it left as soon as I was there holding the mic. The band was very accomodating and I'm really glad they gave me the opportunity to sing.

The first thing I realised was that the monitor was working perfect. I could hear myself and my voice was strong enough that I knew I wasn't doing too bad. There WAS a hiccup in the middle of the song, but on the whole, I think I did pretty well... Having a professional band behind you makes a LOT of difference... When I stepped down, I didn't know what the reaction would be. The only noise I heard was those from my friends... which was normal I guessed... That was until people came up to me and introducing themselves to me. No, they weren't people looking to sign a contract, but I guess I did decent enough to warrant a few praises, which I appreciate and am grateful for. I got a high from going on stage, and it was a lot better than getting drunk like a lot of other people in that room. I even had a whole jug of beer 'gifted' to me... which I quickly passed on to my friends... Sorry I didn't drink my share guys... I just don't drink!

I think the experience was great. It gave me a boost in confidence that sometimes, you can do things you never thought you ever could. It's a first step, and I pray that I can step out and do something extraordinary like this again sometime.

Yes, it's that time of the year again where everything becomes routine... wake up, study, lunch, study, tea, study, dinner, study etc. You catch the drift. That's the theory, but the practical won't quite materialise until probably next week. I have been able to go through the important ones though. Got a test on Saturday and I have only one more chapter to go. I also need to buck up a little bit on my Operating Systems assignment. The framework is there, but the debugging might kill, so I have to get everything done soon.

As students we have not much of a choice except to study hard and get the results that we should be getting. It's sad if some people lose their focus in university, doing a lot of things which although benneficial, aren't quite what God wants them to do... or anyone else for that matter. Sure, it is important to do more than just study in university, but I don't think we were meant to do all those at the expense of our results. No, not everyone is expected to be Dean's listers, but I think we ought to do the best we can based on our abilities. We should still aim high though...

I won't post much anymore because I should be concentrating more on studying. Occasionally I might post a thing or two to destress and get my mind off my books... but otherwise, I think it might be wise not to be too engrossed in writing about any issue at this point, except maybe to practice on my Chinese essay or something...

I think blogging is fun. It's one of the few avenues where you are 'free to express yourself', although it may not always be entirely true. I try to update even if it's a short one because I like the feeling of being able to log my thoughts as I journey through life. It can be quite fulfilling to look back at those times where you realise how much you actually grow.

There are many ways to blog, and I personally prefer a little mixture of everything. Occasionally I share personal experiences, or incidents which may be interesting and which I want to share. I post my thoughts about issues if and when they come to me and I feel passionate enought to say anything. I post simple links or interesting findings rarely, and sometimes I take those tests just for the fun of it and post the results up. Sure my blog can get serious, but that's only natural since I can be serious at times. It can get downright crappy too (although I generally avoid it if I can).

My blog is an expression of who I am. As much as possible I try to put forth my thoughts and feelings, which essentially make up who I am. No, I do not have the license to do anything... I'm not a solicitor of anarchy. I do however prefer not to be too inhibited by expectations and social norms unless there are actual strong reasons why I should. I cannot say the same for everyone, since I do not speak for every blogger in the blogsphere. It would be great if people were more vocal about things which extend beyond their personal life once in a while no?

Through blogging, I've also had contact with some people online whom I may never have met or known otherwise. While they may not exactly be my friends yet, it is still very appealing to me since some of them are really fun to talk to. Some share the same interests and opinions, and perhaps even passion for certain things in life which I may not find elsewhere. I'm not all that lucky to be close to my fellow bloggers (unlike a whole bunch of prominent ones in KL). One thing I can say about these bloggers in general though; they are articulate and at least bother to THINK further and bigger than their small little life.

No, this is not a rant. I guess you could say I'm just thinking how I actually view blogging. It is a great way to build up your thought process and meet people. It establishes your reasoning capabilities and sharpens it. It can tell people about you in ways even meeting face to face cannot, because it is a reflection of what you think and who you are inside. Blogging is to me, something positive, if we actually learn to use them in a positive way.

*Begin Rant*

Just came back from my oral presentation. No, I'm not satisfied with it. I really think I should've just ignored the time limit and went for impressive visuals. I wanted to play a few samples of anime, including scenes which portray the 'not for sale, rent or auction' caption as well as the 'please stop distributing when licensed' to show just how the community isn't out to rob the original artist. If I'd known everyone else would run overtime as well, I would've done that. It didn't help that the website I wanted to show was unavailable either. So much for a good presentation...

I think I'm just plain unlucky. Ulcer still hurts and I had to present... It wasn't that bad, but I know I could've done a lot better.

*End Rant*

Got another test on Saturday... luckily last night was productive...

I'm at the point where I can decide from this point what I want to achieve in the next few months. Semester is ending, and many things have to be done... most importantly studying for the exams. However, I also have to think about two other areas; my role in hall, and my ministry.

Firstly, no, I do not intend to take up too many things for hall... At most, I will do the one thing I am passionate about, concert. I still know my goal and my priorities, and I do not want to lose sight of that. I believe God has called me to prosper in this area, and I can't do it if I'm not focussed. I know I'm the 'jack of all trades' type, but for once, I'd like to do only the things which interest me, not try to take on too many half-rate things which I may not see through to the end.

The same goes for my ministry. I believe God is calling me to step up, but how exactly I still need to learn. I have received, and perhaps it is time to give it away. The only question is, to whom and in what area? I don't mind doing editorial work for the newsletter, nor do I mind bringing up a few new guitarists in cell. I should seriously pray over this as it will be an important decision for me.

Today was a pretty eventful day. I met Ps Victor and Aunty Kelly after service and it was nice to just talk to them. I bumped into both MOKS and Chi Wern in fact. That was quite interesting since I haven't seen them for so long. They're both doing great and I really believe that everyone is growing spiritually day by day.

I also kind of got a wake up call... in the sense that I had a little more sense knocked into me today. I don't know how exactly, but I'm going to try my best to press forward and not be hindered by anything else. I suppose talking about doing something isn't the same as actually going and doing it... because even if the intention was there, it is the carrying out which produces results.

The sermon was impactful too, the most outstanding point being: Don't live life at the edge, but at the CENTER of HIS WILL. That's a pretty profound statement if you stop to think about it. It is amazing how we as Christians are always questioning where the 'limits' are... because we have such a great tendency to be drawn into the world. The "how far can we go without sinning" mentality isn't quite the healthiest mindset. I'm not asking for people to be absolute prudes, but in living life, we have to be very clear on what God's will is... and I think that a lot of people don't get that, constantly trying to drive at the edge, wondering how far is too far, so that we can be right at the fringe. If your conviction in living life is that drinking is wrong, don't drink. True the bible didn't explicitly state "don't drink", but if your conscience tells you not to but you do anyway, you have sinned. In fact, if you do believe that drinking isn't for you, just don't... why put your life on the line? Aren't there enough challenges in life already that we don't need to go find another one to make life difficult?

I guess a lot of people would disagree. I AM somewhat of a conservative person... although I do understand that we are all influenced by the world. I don't believe in pre-marital sex, drinking, smoking or gambling. I do not believe in verbal abuse, revenge or senseless fightings. Living life indulging in such activities may seem ordinary, even necessary, in life today. However, I believe that regardless of what secularism may have us believe, if we understand and live life not trying to probe the borders of our 'holiness', but choose instead to do what is necessary to be in His will, life would be all the more fruitful and fulfilling.

I'm a prude, but so what? I don't impose what I believe on others. You've heard all the horror stories yourself, choose then which you want for your life.