Personal Blather!

I yield... Sorry for being a burden... I concede... I respect your decision...

In my current situation, I can only describe it as such. I don't know what I'm doing... what I'm thinking... but if there's anything that came out of the past few days of brooding/ pondering/ deliberations/ whatever, it's this; I know things aren't the way we'd like it to be, and that you think it might be best to just drop it, and that you just don't want to be burdened by this. I don't even know if you still feel the same way... but I still do. I don't know where things went wrong... but I really wished they can be made right. I have not... cannot give up just like that! Still... if you were to truly be happier, to truly be much better off if I did, then out of my love for you, I will do it, although it causes me much pain. Corny? Maybe... but it is the truth about how I feel... about what's been going on through my mind...

I look to God, for even in the deepest, darkest period in my life, He is there with me. Sometimes I marvel at how other people survive when they don't have Him. I know I wouldn't be able to... I place my trust in You, O Lord, that whatever it is You have in store for me, whatever it is You have planned, that it will come to pass, for I pray, God, let Your Will, not mine be done...

I pray now that you cover her with the blood of Jesus, that she might be under your protection everyday of her life. I pray also that You annoint the works of her hands, that they may prosper be it her studies, her ministry or her interests. I ask further, O Lord, that You bless the relationships that she has with her friends and her family members. Lastly I pray that she continue to grow in You, that You will reveal Yourself to her more and more each day, so that she can be more and more Christlike. I commit her into Your hands, for that is all that I can do... Amen

My christmas was supposed to be exciting... Carnival at church, services, Cell Group party, celebrating with friends... I was looking forward to a great year end... but just at the last two weeks, God chooses to drop a few bombshells on me... and they're not small mini bombshells...

I despise myself... I despise myself for not being able to hold my head up high and ignore the problems around me... to smile and enjoy the christmas season... I tried... I really did... I despise myself for not making the right decision earlier... for putting myself in this situation... for making things difficult not just for myself, but for the people around me... I'm sorry... I hope that I can have a chance to rectify things, to try again... to do what I was afraid to do earlier... do I still have that chance? I hope against hope...

There are some issues in life which really get you thinking... What's the 'right' decision? What's the 'right' course of action? What's the 'right' thing to do? It's hard to answer all these questions, especially when it concerns issues that aren't explicitly stated in the bible. (Referenced because it's the basis for which I base my life principles) And then there are times you wonder if those answers are actually the important ones... maybe the questions should be "IS there a right decision?" "Should I do this or that? OR maybe doing NOTHING is the 'right' thing to do?" True, it depends on the situation, but these questions always plague us when we're faced with a situation with so many variables.

Am I doing the right thing? Maybe I should be more selfish... but I rather be self sacrificial than to be selfish... especially if it concerns people I really care for. I can't control the circumstances, just my reaction to them. I rather be the one that gives in to people instead of the person forcing everyone to do MY things MY way. Of course I stand up for the things I truly feel should be stood up against. Of course I draw the line when it comes to things which are clear. I also stand my ground if I think it's way over the line... but it's just that my line isn't quite as rigid as most people's... and it makes me seem very 'bochap', 'chinchai', 'tidak apa'... Well, I think I am, because if it makes you happy, then go ahead and use whichever method you think works best, doing whatever you think is best for you. I have my own dreams, aspirations, desires, but they're simple, uncomplicated ones, and as long as they're not directly opposing yours, I don't see a reason NOT to give in... That's assuming of course, that I have any say in the situation in the first place...

In everything I do, I always try to commit it to God... And I do so again in this case. I have faith in God, that although I really don't want to, although I don't feel like doing it, although it's really difficult for me to do it, I will still place it in His hands, wait for His will, and pray that in the end, my faithfulness will be rewarded. I believe that two nights ago, I was given the nudge to go for it. I hold on to it, just as I've held on to everything else that God spoke to me about this matter since the beginning... and pray for the best... Lord help me!

I think I'm a very simple guy. It doesn't take much to make me happy. My mum used to tell me about how she'd get a single cone of ice cream and break off a teeny bit from the bottom of the cone, take a teeny bit of ice cream and give my my own mini cone ice cream. My sis would get the rest though, and I never complained. In fact, I was very happy with that little cone. I think I haven't changed much since then... You made my day just be coming over. ^_^

Boredom... The worse thing that can happen to any youth. We constantly strive to keep ourselves occupied with interesting activities, but when they fail to appeal to our interest anymore... it's hard not to be bored. Still, having nothing to do is better than having too many things to do and no time to do them. :)

Today, was a spectacular day for my family. I remember sharing that although me, my mother and my sister have been praying for my father for the past decade or so, he seemed pretty hardened on not accepting Christ. However, I truly felt that God can work miracles, and you never know, it might just be this period. Truly God is faithful. Somehow, when I said it, I took it by faith, and even though there was a nagging thought that maybe it may not be, I believed that now was as good a time as ever, and it certainly was. My dad came to Christ today... And I really almost couldn't believe it! In fact, when I told my sister, she called back telling me not to play practical jokes like that. My mother cried when he said the sinners prayer, and I am truly happy. This year will truly end greater than the way it started!

With this in mind, I also believe that one other area in my life will be better than the way it started this year. Perhaps now isn't the time to go into details just yet, but placing my trust in God and with Him guiding my steps, I truly believe that God will not let me down. I've been praying over this everyday for the past couple of months, and I believe that the time for decision is coming soon... and I want more than anything to make that decision according to God's will! I will say that many people have been speaking into my life through this period, and I do not believe they are merely coincidental... So in You, O God, I place my trust!

I'm having mixed feelings these days... It's been a pretty eventful week. I'm back home in KL! Met up with my uncle, cousin, grandaunties and friends, went for crab at PJ Seafood near Tropicana, 'shopping' at One-U, KLCC and Petaling Street, went down to Subang for mamak food with the usual people, visited DUMC over the weekend... All that in just 5 days! Not to mention making quite a number of wrong turns in KL while driving... but at least I learned quite a few new roads...

Anyway, something that's close to my heart right about now... I'll just quote it. (Modified a little to suit the context).

I thank my God. Life has been made so much the fuller for His giving me you. I was recounting today how rich, how full (I can't find a better word!) He has made life for me. Sealike, but having no ebb, no not at my fingertips! Nature, Body, Soul, Friendship, Family - all full for me, and then what many have not, the capacity to enjoy. "And He said, 'Lacked ye anything?' They said, 'Nothing.'" Part of me was lacking until this now - oh, I needed you, neither of us knew how sorely! And even now, though I don't have you in the fullest sense, still I do, in a sense I will not when we have known each other.

I'm sorry to have to make you wait, but I cannot use only my heart, for thus have many erred and rushed headlong, waiting not for Him. If I were to go ahead, HE must be in the center, for only then can we truly stand in times of testing and in times of blessing, for whatever He has brought together He will prosper. Forgive me... for I sincerely do not want to disappoint, in that I compromise my principles and faith in Him. If I did, what character would I then have? None that would make me the ideal man for you...

God is good. Freely I receive, freely I give. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh. I strive only to be like Abraham, to offer even that which is most important to me, by faith, that He will return it to me, for God is a good God. Amen.