Personal Blather!

Beauty is a trait that is considered superficial, yet extremely important and sought after. It's something that everyone wants to be, but sometimes can lead to a negative downside. However, I truly believe that beauty, or at least the superficial, 'on the surface' kind, is very much in the eyes of the beholder. To bring this into perspective, allow me to be shallow for this once and talk about what guys look at when they see a girl.

Interestingly, when I asked some of my friends what is the first thing they notice in a girl, based solely on looks, the answer varies from the usual to the extremely weird (at least it's weird to me). For example, one of the things about a girl that a friend notices on first impression, is the legs. To me, that's a little weird. But that may be because to me, the most important physical aspect of a girl is her face. Even so, a girl I think is pretty may not be as pretty to someone else, because I guess all guys have different tastes, even when it's just comparing the face. Some prefer those who look 'cute', with big eyes and rounded features. Others like the sizzling hot ones who have sharp attractive features. Then there're those who look for the um... 'chest magnitude' or the 'rear end'... nothing wrong with that I guess, but... nevermind.

Since I look at the face, I'd like to discuss a little bit more about that part here. I think even if you choose to look at the face, one can have different ideas of 'attractiveness' (or have I mentioned that already?). To be more specific, I think the thing about a girl's face that attracts me the most, are the eyes. Don't ask me why, they just do. I've seen some girls who have really beautiful eyes, and I find them pretty attractive, but have most of my friends feel otherwise. Likewise, I've had experiences where my friends claim just how 'beautiful' this particular girl is, only to find that she's merely 'so-so' to me.

Have you ever heard the phrase that goes "There aren't any ugly girls, only poor or lazy ones."? Perhaps that phrase isn't entirely false. Make up does wonders... and girls won't pass up a chance to look good. There're a few good examples where a girl's before and after photo clearly shows how plastic surgery + make up can turn a truly 'hopeless' case into one worthy of a beauty magazine front cover. So make up can make you look much better. The PROBLEM arises when some people just don't know HOW to put on make up. Most end up putting on too much, resulting in what I dub "ICI", after the infamous ICI paint. They apply so much foundation, or whatever it is they put on their face, that I think they gain a couple of pounds after putting the make up on. I admit that it may not be an easy task, and I am NOT against make up. I just know that make up can make a girl look REALLY good, and it can make a girl look really bad too.

Anyway, before I get beaten up, let me just state that the value of a girl is most definitely NOT solely in her looks. This post merely states an observatory phenomenon which is, granted, superficial. I do not judge a girl solely by her looks, since I understand also that not all pretty girls have good character. Beauty, I believe, creates only the first impression which may or may not trigger an interest to know a girl's character... at least that's what it is to me.

So, to conclude, this little attachment is an example of a girl I might consider really attractive. Not everyone will feel the same way I suppose, but that's just because I have different taste.

As promised, here are the pictures so that everyone can enjoy. The first few were taken underwater and are pretty cool. I learned how to open my eyes underwater just for these shots (well, one of them anyway).

 Me getting up close and personal with a sea anemone
 Batman underwater!
 Christmas Trees up close
 Group Photo!

Sometimes, things just seem never to go your way. No sooner have I decided to be positive, I get another slap...

Either God is testing me or I was never meant to get out of my melancholy... and I've decided it's the former. So I'll keep being positive, keep being strong (as much as I can), and keep on keeping on.

Nothing much to post, except I probably start work next week. Nonlinear inversion is really interesting, sometimes something simple can be extremely complex at the same time. Read it up if you want to.

So far, I've caught MI:3, Da Vinci's Code and X-men 3, and I must say that all three aren't what I'd call blockbusters. They were solid enough so that it wasn't a total letdown, but they weren't as great as they were made out to be. I'd think X-men 3 was the best of the lot, giving closure to the trilogy. It somehow didn't seem right to me though, especially when it ended with so many deaths... Da Vinci's Code wasn't that bad, but seriously, go read the book if you want to do something interesting and save the money. I really felt they could've casted someone better other than Tom Hanks to play Robert Langdon, but I guess they could've done worse... MI:3 was somehow bland... don't ask me why, it just was...

Right, that's all I'm going to post now... frequency shouldn't increase probably till term starts...

I'm feeling a lot better today. Guess it does help to share sometimes... there's no real need to say a lot... thanks!

I've started to get things back on track. I'm hoping that this can be a productive period for me, and thankfully I've taken steps in that direction already. Concert is progressing quite ok so that's good news. Emerge is coming next week, and I'm really looking forward to it. After the prayer meeting today (talk about training spiritual stamina, i can't believe it was almost 2 hourse of non-stop praying in the spirit) I think my faith just got a whole lot stronger. The call to be prepared for the conference is about getting ourselves in tune with God as we prepare for Him to speak to us.

I'm looking forward to hearing a word from Him specifically for me.

There are surprisingly not that few people around in hall. Can get quite interesting around here...

I was asked if I wanted to go for a cruise... a nice one which lasts 2 weeks going to places I never dreamed of going. The price? RM5000+. That's no small amount, but considering it's a medditerreanian cruise and the price includes the flight to the port of embarkation and back, I think it's quite worth it. The problem is, I don't know if I'm free during that period, and I don't exactly foresee myself hanging out with my aunts and uncles who are going for it. Nothing wrong with them, but I really think that if I want to enjoy two weeks on a holiday like that, I'd prefer company that I can relate better with, and who have similar interests as I do...

I'm still looking for those Redang photos... Seriously need to post them up soon or I'll forget...

Things are certainly looking up.

I realise that I've been quite short tempered lately. I can credit it to the melancholic mood that I'm almost perpetually in now, but that wouldn't be very right. I guess everyone needs to learn more how not to blow their fuse.

No, I don't want to talk about it, or write about it. No, I prefer to leave everything that I put up to stay HERE. No, I rather you didn't ask me about anything regarding anything that I post. Sometimes I just want to unload and forget about it, and questioning me isn't helping.

This has got me utterly disgusted with myself. *slap* Wake up already! Start being more cheerful...

I guess sometimes some things just won't go away; You just pile up more and more things on it till it can't be seen, but it's there. It's always there, and when you push those other things aside it screams right in your face again. Such is life...

So just accept it and grow up!

I've been home for about a week, and as great as 'home' may seem, I still think there's something missing... although I think I've been able to grasp the edges of it lately.

Home is IMHO, the people. You go back to see your parents, friends, family members... and it means next to nothing if you fail to see these people. My own friends seem to have disappeared... or rather, most are not back from overseas yet. That leaves a huge gap between seeing my parents (which I've been spending time with everyday for the past one week) and... sleep. Not that I resent seeing them, but I do so want to see a whole host of other people too.

One other possible reason why things are the way they are is that it's simply not as practical to meet up with people anymore. Having moved to my current place (In KL, about RM2.50 away from Subang) it's quite expensive to travel down to Subang to meet people. That's one reason why I no longer have late night mamaks or games. That plus it takes about half an hour to actually GET to Subang just for a simple drink. (Inclusive of time waiting for the lift) I guess things have changed quite a bit.

The rest of the people studying around here are also having their exams at this point in time. It's not very nice to ask any of them out either. I've been away from church here for so long, most of the people I know are already somewhere else studying or working. I guess there's a huge gap in a lot of places this time around, one in which I don't know if it's possible to bridge.

I think that although I still call this place home, it's highly likely that after so many years away, the things which connect me to this place are getting eroded one by one. I still cherish the friendships and the people, but the place holds little significance anymore. My parents would be an important factor, but everyone else I know here may or may not choose to eventually settle down here, so unless they do, this place is just like any other place, with people I hardly know or connect with.

This is not a license to stay away from KL. I just feel that coming back here holds less and less significance each time simply because the things here have changed so much that it's about as new as every other thing.

Sadly, I'm counting the days until I go back to Singapore. Again, it's not the place that makes the difference, it's the people... and I certainly hope that there'll be people around when I go back.

I've been away the past few days and it's been great. My trip to Redang was eventful and very exciting. We were there a total of 3 days, but we only actually enjoyed two full days over there. We spent about one day and a half travelling there. Seems transport to that place would be good only if we fly.

Unfortunately, flight seems to be an option available only to those going to the Berjaya™ resort. We went to the Laguna™ resort instead. It was more a hassle to travel there, but the cool thing is that everything is covered, from the ferry ride, to our food. The food was good too. It was all buffet, three meals a day, and we really ate and ate.

The main attraction of Redang is probably the snorkeling. They had two sessions every day and we went as often as we could. We were of course eager to go see the underwater life up close and personal, and if lucky enough perhaps even see turtles or baby sharks. I wasn't that lucky, but some others were. I gave up on my life jacket and went without for most of the trip. The snorkel took a little getting used to, but it DID help me keep my face in the water longer. Still, I swallowed no small amount of sea water.

The result was that I had a superbly lobsterfied back. I won't complain though, since it was probably my own fault. In any case, for most of the trip, we had really good weather, so I'm thankful. I even remember the dismay some portrayed when it rained during breakfast. I believed it would stop in time, and it did.

We went for two open snorkeling sessions and one at the marine park. The marine park was interesting as it had an incredible amount of fish, which ate out of your hand. I managed to take a couple of photos underwater, and although they aren't perfect, are still worth noting. Unfortunately, I don't have them just yet, so I'll wait till I get my hands on them before I post them up!

The trip has come to an end, and exciting as it was, it's starting to wear thin. I admit I don't exactly have a lot to look forward to, but I haven't been having the best time of my life, although I do try to be positive about everything.

Guess I'll sign off here before this turns into a rant.

Tags: Redang, Snorkeling, Marine, Lobsterfied

I'm suffering a post-exam syndrome, where the patient doesn't find much excitement in the day. I know things shouldn't be this way. I guess the exams were really a good thing to focus on and I could forget all other things by just telling myself I should be 'concentrating on studying'. Now that I don't have that anymore, I could tell myself to 'concentrate on concert', but that wouldn't be to wise in the sense that concert shouldn't be the biggest priority, His work is! In any case, I need to find the joy in doing whatever it is I 'want' to do... I think the biggest problem is finding those things that I 'want' to do...

I may not know myself all that well I guess. My interests can be very fickle, one moment passionate about it, another indifferent. To me, they rise and fall like a tide. Sometimes, an old interest becomes interesting again, and sometimes a 'new' one wanes to the point it becomes insignificant. I think that's how a lot of us are. We go with trends, and are easily influenced by our peers. That probably explains why we usually get interested in something together with our friends. Even if we initially find it not as interesting, the fact that we're doing it together adds a lot of interest into the subject. I remember really liking CS a lot, but on hindsight, I think I was really into it once upon a time because of my peers. It was a subject that we could talk about, that we could use to initiate conversations, to discuss and argue about. It was pitting our skills (in which I lacked tremendously) against each other. The 'pleasure' was derived in knowing that we play it together... at least that was how it was for me.

I don't have a particular interest now. True, the occasional DotA game is fine by me, but it's not exactly the thing that I wake up looking forward to. I've come to realise that in the time I now have, all the 'things' that I wanted to do don't seem as important or interesting. There is no 'drive' to go and organise a game, and I find it pointless playing with AI. The thing is, I feel as if I'm drifting along, waiting for something to happen, or looking for something to make happen. Concert can be a good distraction to positively fuel the emotion, so can church. I do still need time off though, so I'll concentrate on enjoying myself in the break a little. In line with this, I CHOOSE to NOT be 'sien'. I will force myself to be positive and as exciting as I can... if not now then at least when we go over to Redang.

What's that? Yes, I'm going to Redang next week. The blog might be a little backdated, but I'm sure you'll survive...

Doing a little packing and helping the others with storage. I'm quite glad I don't have to move, so I'm just going to leave things as they are more or less... More efficient than packing/unpacking.

If you DO have an interesting thing to share, like a game or a book, do drop a comment.

Tags: Sien, Boredom, Interests

You'd have thought after the exams people would be liberated, free, find happiness, be able to derive pleasure from doing what they want to... Aparrently that's not true... At least not to me.

I don't know why but the 'end' of exams this time was simply just another day. I was not especially ecstatic nor was I feeling excited. I'd have thought I would be... but I'm not... I wished I knew why...

Maybe it's just the fact that I've lost a goal to strive for... Perhaps it is the realisation that I did what I could and there's nothing else that can be done anymore. Maybe it's just that I haven't made a thorough plan for how to treat myself... Maybe I just don't know how to...

The fact is, whatever joy (if any at all) that can be derived from circumstances are not true joy... they are dependent more on us than our circumstances I think... I may have finished my exams, but I may not be as happy as someone who still has papers tomorrow. I may a whole three month break to enjoy, but others may be happier working everyday for hours on end. It's our attitude, not the situation that makes us excited and happy.

It beats me why I'm feeling a bit on the low side... Logically I can't think of a single thing that would make me feel this way... unless perhaps... guess we somehow can't forget everything we want to... Nor can we remember the things we really want to...

Lost? So am I... Help me, Lord...

It's labour day... It's a holiday, but I still have to labour for my last paper tomorrow. Granted looking through the past year questions it's tough to study for (How do you study for a paper which asks you to write a letter/proposal based on some guidelines given in a text book and is open book?) but at least I'm going through the book. A lot of it is simply common sense if you ask me. The whole chapter on ICC can be summarised in 2 words: Be diplomatic. The whole User manual writing can also be summed up as: Follow the steps given in the text book. Same goes for the proposal. Ever heard of marketing?

I understand the need for us to be aware that a lot of us make these mistakes, but I think it's rather pointless too because learning about it theoratically and in a classroom/lecture setting isn't going to be taken very seriously by a lot of people. In the end, most will forget the content and really learn only when they've ruffled a few feathers and made a few mistakes. Experience teaches a lot fater than theory.

That aside, it's a public holiday, and people are eager to go and enjoy themselves. It doesn't help that most have papers tomorrow. Mine is at 1 pm, and although I really think I don't have to do much, I'm not taking it for granted. I'm going through the text book (about half way there) to familiarise myself with the chapters and to recall the 'concepts'. It'd be pointless to try to memorise I think. Unfortunately I can only bring the textbook and no other materials with me. I'm free after tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to the trip to Redang. Also looking forward to seeing people in KL... if they're ever around.

Nothing much left to write, got half a text book to cover and lunch a-calling. Hoping to write more after my paper.

Tags: Labour, Exams, ICC

I've completed most of the major papers. Surprisingly, I managed to go through this semester's modules pretty ok. Almost all papers I went for has been doable... not perfect, but I at least know I managed to answer all required questions. Whether or not they are 100% correct is another matter. My last paper isn't study intensive and is open book, so I'm pretty fine with it.

So to take a breather, I've called today a no-study day. I have cell later which I'm looking forward to. In the meantime, I've decided to do a few things like update my blog, play a few rounds of CS (which we just recently 'rediscovered'), Gunbound, DotA, even play a little on my own WoW server. I also still have a number of classic games I have yet to complete, like Lucasarts' Day of the Tentacle, Loom and Grim Fandango. I DID finish Syberia, and will probably start on Syberia 2 soon. Things are looking very interesting.

I spoke to my lecturer after my paper yesterday, and I'm quite confirmed on my intern for the coming holidays. It's only a cap of 40 hours, although the amount of time I'd have to spend outside that 40 hours would be quite significant too. The pay will be nice I suppose, but the work won't be easy. Guess it's better than doing nothing.

I think exam periods in university is funny. You get it so often that it becomes a norm... so much so that you lose the 'Oh this is a big exam' feeling... EVERY exam is 'big', which is why I'm a little surprised that some people get very very stressed for certain papers. I really put into practice positive confession this time around, and like I mentioned above, I think I did my papers pretty decently. It's not lying to yourself, it's called being optimistic!

I might have posted about optimism some time back (maybe a year or so) and I know that naturally, I'm quite pessimistic. I admit that I 'chose' to be a pessimist because either things work out great for you, or you get proven right! I know that being disappointed when you're expecting or hoping for something isn't nice... and it can be downright painful if it's something significant. But honestly, it never hurts to think positive. It may seem like you're being humble by putting yourself down and thinking negatively of yourself or what you can achieve, but it's not... You're simply not being truthful to yourself. Being optimistic means hoping for the best, and to keep hoping for the best even when things fail. Strong people are like that.

I won't post too long because I DO have a lot of things I might want to do. I do however know I'd like to be stronger, to be positive when other people are feeling down, to have a different spirit when things get tough. I may not enjoy it, but I can make a difference. I finally understand first hand what I've been hearing from cell a lot about being positive. I think it's not a bad thing.

Perhaps I'll post more on this issue another time. To everyone still having exams (including me), all the best, hope for the best, and do the best you can! I'm just grateful for what He's done so far and I'm still holding on to Him and standing firmly, waiting for Him to deliver... I know He will!

Only had one day of papers so far. Three more papers to go of which I am only 'confident' of the last one. The other two needs work, but the problem is I'm not sure how to work it... at least not yet... Redid the tutorials and intending to do past year papers. Both are open book, meaning I really don't know how to study for them... God help me!

Nothing much happening. Studies are currently top priority for most of the people around me. Some are already making plans for after the final paper, but I still haven't... really ought to or I'll end up at the end of the holidays wishing I had done a lot more.

Most of all, thanks to everyone for keeping me in prayers. The papers so far were ok/good, so I really thank God for that. I'm praying for all the people taking exams too, so just do what you can and leave the rest to Him! We'll rest after it's over.

Now, to catch some shut eye. Next paper is in the morning, so my body clock has to be adjusted. I'll update more when I can.

Exams start on Monday and I'm trying to do my best for it.

I wanted to see my sister this weekend, but I really think it's not wise to head down to Orchard today. Perhaps tomorrow on my way back from church I'll drop by.

Timetable:

24th Apr, 1 PM: LAC1201 Chinese 1
24th Apr, 5 PM: CS2106 Operating systems (This is a killer)
27th Apr, 9 AM: CS2271 Embedded systems
28th Apr, 9 AM: EE2009 Signals
2nd May, 1 PM: CS2301 Business and Technical communication (Not studying till after everything else, non-technical so less stressful)

So, please remember to stand in the gap for me.

I admire good leadership. It is a key ingredient to a great organisation. It is one of the main things which makes or breaks a group. Unfortunately, it is sorely lacking in a lot of people nowadays. I know there are some people with great leadership skills and capabilities, but it seems to be getting rarer and rarer. A lot of 'leaders' we have now seem to concentrate a lot more on covering their 'asses' (forgive the crude language) instead of making things better for others. It appears that the current climate of society is utterly unsuitable to produce true leadership since it has IMHO, been reduced to a game of politics, which I utterly despise.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not so naive to believe that politics is not part and parcel of leadership. Still, one CAN be ideallistic no? The best kind of leadership is the kind where one puts the interest of the entire group ahead of ones position. Respect comes not from having a lack of faults, but from the fact that one portrays good leadership qualities that make one fit to lead. In a way, society is to blame for expecting only perfect people to be in positions of power. Yes, it is important to have a competent person in charge, but it is even more important that THAT person is working for the good of the people, not just himself. I'm not saying all leaders are in it just to abuse their position, but there appears to be quite a huge number that do. Perhaps this is subjective, but I think it we need more capable, morally upright and virtuous leaders in every field.

Vision is important, and I think this is particularly lacking in young people today. Many don't know where they're heading or what they want to achieve, so they just go through the motions, achieving mediocre results at best. Again, not everyone is like that, but it seems that there are less and less such young people rising up. Without vision the people perish, and to be honest, that is what appears to be happening slowly in many different areas. Leaders should strive to achieve greater good, not merely fulfill obligations.

Politics is the "Intrigue or maneuvering within a political unit or group in order to gain control or power" (Dictionary.com). To quote further from the dictionary, politics is "The often internally conflicting interrelationships among people in a society." This particularly applies to positions where a person is either in public office or is considered 'influential'. I despise politics, simply because it is largely unethical, extremely self-centered, immoral and detrimental to the people in the long run. Some people treat it as a game, but one with dire consequences. The rules of the game are simple: There are no rules as long as you don't get caught. This simple creed has led to a lot of underhanded tactics, unwarranted malice and personal attacks, all of which do nobody any good.

It is simply a fact that leaders of high positions would have to grapple with politics. However, I believe that the leader is the one who sets the rules for him/herself. Again, I may have an euphemistic view, but although people feel it will fail, I do not see why an ethical person with honesty and integrity cannot go far in any political position. True, there's a lot of red tape that can be easily resolved by a 'not-so-ethical' method. Is it wrong and foolish then to choose NOT to do it? Perhaps in the eyes of most people it is, but to me, it is not. It would take a lot of guts and courage to go the more difficult path of choosing the right thing even if it causes a lot of 'unnecessary' difficulties. I doubt many would concur.

This is just my opinion on leadership and politics, so I will not say that whatever written here should be adopted by all. However, after examining the current situation and considering my own disposition, I still strongly believe in this euphemistic view. Leaders should have vision, especially those in political positions. This coupled with the passion to lead, not just with themselves in mind, but the good of the people, is a good recipe for a successful organisation.

Tags: Leadership, Politics, Vision

Easter service today was really awesome! The play was superb... and although it isn't as slow paced as an ordinary drama, it captured a lot of emotions and displayed it beautifully on stage. It was a truly heart-wrenching piece, as once again the story of Jesus was told, focussing this time on two different yet similar characters; Judas and Simon Peter. They both had their flaws, and they both came to a crossroad. One chose the right path, the other chose the wrong one. The main theme of the drama was that it's not what choices you've made that makes you who you are... It's the choices you make TODAY that defines just who you are. That was a very important part of the drama which I am reminded of.

As usual, the events leading up to the crucifixion of Jesus were portrayed in a no nonsense, truthful way... with all the blood, flogging, shouts, emotions, everything. No matter how many times I've seen it, no matter how it seems similar every year, I still break into tears because I'm reminded of just what my saviour went through 2000 years ago... and it was all for... me... No greater love is there than this; that a man lay down his life for another, and He did just that on calvary. He went through the suffering, the humiliation, the pain... and it was one of the most gruesome ways to die.

I am reminded that He is first and foremost, that He is not secondary to anything, that He is what I should focus on. I truly believe that in running for His will, I will be able to become what He made me to be... to achieve things I never imagined, and to go the distance that no ordinary person can without His help. The only sad thing about today, was that noone came with me to experience the same things I experienced... Still, I'm holding on to You, and I thank You for everything in my life, even if it may not look great... I believe they can be through You!

When you realise at last
Without much of a fuss
That you are but a piece of glass
Barely noticed as you walk pass

When you come to know such
That what you thought meant much
Was but dust to be scattered
Or like garbage to be trampled

When it dawns upon you
And you know and you know it's true
That nothing that you say or do
Means anything although you want it to

When you find that you are nobody
Even though you try hard not to be
And struggle with things you can't see
And are reminded that it's vain futility

So realise that you mean nothing
Your existence was merely fleeting
Face it, don't keep denying
It's not easy but just keep trying

Then perhaps you will grow stronger
Though it hurts when you realise it's bitter
To be invisible and be thought of never
Though you remember
And wished you too could just turn your rear
It might take years
But perhaps someday, things will be better

I never realised just how insignificant I actually was... or am... Really wished I was a much better person...

My project is progressing, though not as fast as I'd like it to. I realised how crappy I am at true programming... I just can't bring myself to totally immerse myself in coding anymore... I rather just start studying, so I do an alternating between the two. It's amazing that I'm spending most of my time going through materials only for ONE module... this module is interesting, in that it handles a lot of things which I was asking when I first stepped into my first year. However, it has come to a point I seem to do almost nothing else except this module... Quite scary... But God knows I'm doing my best...

Hall just got a little more interesting... President and Vice-President elects are now out, and I can FINALLY progress with my concert. It's cool that I know them and can work with them... and I really do support them 100%. People ask why I didn't run, and my answer is simple: It's not my calling. I do what I believe He wants me to do, not what I want to do. I take on the responsibilities He wants me to take, not just any that come my way. All the best to them!

Yes, this is just a short update on what's been happening. Sometimes I feel really foolish... others I just feel lost. I just know that I need to grind it through and hopefully then I can come to a point where I just don't care what happens anymore. I believe He can help me, no matter what the circumstance. Life isn't up, but it's not totally down either. It's hovering somewhere in between and I don't know if it's on the way up again, or on the verge of plunging... I can believe for it to be the former, which is what I'm working towards.

Haven't had much time to think about much lately, so nothing profound or thought-provoking... at least not yet.

The pressure is mounting. It's not just about studying, it's about completing assignments and labs and other deadlines. Don't these people realise that one week isn't enough to study everything? Why do I still have a lab on my last week?

Forget the rant. I need to buck up more. I'm progressing, but I'm worried if it's not fast enough. I try my best, I just pray that God help me do above and beyond what I cannot on my own.

Short post... need to get back to books... hopefully I get enough done tonight...

You know one of those days where you don't know why exactly but you just feel really down? It's kind of like that. I try very hard to always be happy, smiling, confident, strong... but I can't do it all the time... I'm trying hard to, and I'm praying hard about it too, but I just can't seem to get it most of the time. I wished I knew how to do it... God help me...

My mind is in turmoil... a small one probably, but it's still uneasy nontheless. I sometimes don't know if I'm thinking the right things, the things that God would want me to think... On one hand God wants me to succeed in the areas of my life I am called to... like my studies, my ministry, financially, my relationship with other people... but it just seems overwhelming sometimes... Maybe I'm not meant to do well in so many areas... it's virtually impossible because you can't focus on so many things at once.

I think I need to draw a line somewhere for certain things in my life. Call it a safety mechanism, but it would serve to help both myself and the people around me. Perhaps I am avoiding the challenge, but I don't know if it's a challenge or a barrier God put up to protect me, and so unless He says otherwise I take it as such. How do you know when God opens doors? How do you know when you are merely listening to 'voices in your head'? What if you were really convinced that something is from God, but not everyone understands? There will always be people who don't agree with what you might want to do... but does that mean we should then take it as God didn't quite want things to go that way even though you are convinced He told you so? I don't know... Although I wished I did... God is so cryptic sometimes, I wonder why He just doesn't come down and shake me up nicely and tell me what He wants me to do explicitly. It would certainly make things much simpler.

No, I don't intend to stay down... I'm trusting in Him to fill me with His spirit that I may be refreshed. It's just that when you don't know if that something is from God, you don't know if you should run for it... nor do you know if you can achieve it. The key issue is this: If God really did speak explicitly, or at least in a way that we are clear about His will, then we can do what we can to achieve it. Now if we DON'T know if it's God's will, how will you run for it? How can you fight for something if you're afraid it goes against what HE wants? You'd be fighting a losing battle, and you'd THINK you're fighting for Him!

Yes, I know the answer is prayer. Knowing well that doing something brings peace to your heart, that too is a sign that it is God's will... but that's IF He speaks... sometimes He doesn't for some reason... Guess we'll just be in a state of suspension waiting for His direction then.

I don't know what God wants for me, but I do know that I commit it to Him everyday. I pray that He will speak to me... guess I might as well try now...

Online forums are really cool. The evolved from bulletin boards and now have some pretty wild features which make them all the more interesting. I first got really involved in a forum known as Mangareaders while searching for some manga. all of us came from all over the world sharing a common interest; manga. However, we grew to be a community who enjoyed interaction with others even though it was a half-way round the globe. I still keep in contact with some of the members. I've moved on from there, but I am still very fond of the site... as well as forums in general.

Ever since it was formed as a means for people to interact, forums have been plagued by a group of people who although do not cause real harm, still pose a problem to other users as well as the administrators and moderators. Flaming is the act of posting something deragatory or malicious with the intent of defaming or to cause mental harm to another person. Simply put, it is an online argument which degenerates into personal attacks, insults and the like. Flaming is not constructive as it serves only to feed on a person's ego at the expense of another person. Unfortunately, this happens most of the time because being only human, people tend to take things the wrong way, either personally or otherwise. Such thinking cannot neccesarily be faulted because although personal, is very much dependent on the personality and character of a person; something we cannot make others stop doing. Thankfully, there are people around who are actually level headed enough to smooth the matter over for the good of everyone else.

Flaming can occur to an individual or to a group. Moderators generally disallow flames and instead ask people to settle their differences through other means, not by posting again and again in a forum. A forum can be private or public, but it is never a chat room for only two people, or two GROUPS of people to squabble. There is always the third party who is uninvolved and yet have to put up with such incidences simply because it is posted in the forum. Such things are inefficient and unneeded. Forums are places with rules, and they differ from one forum to another. It is important to abide by them so that the maximum capability of the forum and the community can be brought out. Discussion is the most important focus, not squabbles. Accept different views and be objective, choosing what to agree with and what not to. We all have our own mindsets, so don't impose yours on others. The goal of a forum is to have people come together to share these views and discuss them, hopefully for the betterment of the issue at hand.

By firmly keeping this thought in place, and by not losing sight of the fact that these are just opinions, we can actually make logical and coherent points instead of resorting to personal attacks. Be open minded and don't take things personally... it would help make ANY forum a better place.

Today was an interesting day indeed...

I started out with only Chinese tutorial which was cut short due to the fact that we had our oral test... and since I took mine last week, I was free to go early. YAY!

Bought back lunch (Jap food) and ate it with Jacob. Had more with Boon Gee and Yee Kiau. Then I went to study a little for my Signals paper, finishing yet another chapter. Went for tea and had a couple of games of bridge, so a pretty slack day if you ask me. Dinner was at Brewesk at Clarke Quay where I had a huge burger with bacon, melted cheese and onion rings. Reason for going to Clarke Quay? I was going to visit Club Momo for a One Night Stand.

Before you start raising your eyebrows, let me explain. One Night Stand was organised by Yujun, a fellow hall mate for Start Up Singapore where people can do pitching in a more relax and fun environment. It was an interesting concept, and I went there to support him as well as try to learn a little. Unfortunately, due to a miscommunication, I arrived late after all the presentations were done, and although I don't think I missed anything much (the general feedback was that it was boring), I still felt a bit bad for not being able to see the main event. Still, we can't go back and change things, so that's that.

So what did we do then? We headed to small little room at the corner of Club Momo, called Momo Live! This little room about the size of two shoplots featured a LIVE BAND. I was blown away by the quality of their playing. The singers had awesome voices, the drummer was very good, the lead guitarist was a true natural being a master of almost any solo, the bassist was awesome and IMHO, looked a little like Brandon Frasier, the keyboardist certainly knew how to play with effects, and the lead singers had voices that were spectacular. Hall band has got a LONG way to go... but they ARE professionals, so they should have a certain standard no? The sound balance was cool too...

How does this relate to me? Well, it was Thursday night, and on Thursdays they have a live jamming session. Patrons are welcomed to join in the singing, sort of like a karaoke session... And I decided to give it a go... I don't fancy myself a very talented singer, but I do know I can hold a note. I picked something I knew I could sing, which I had practiced before, and which hall people may find overdone... but I liked the song nontheless. My rendition of Wherever You Will Go by The Calling may not be as good as Alby's IMHO, but I really like it... Prior to going up, I had butterflies in my stomach... I always get nervy before going on stage... but it left as soon as I was there holding the mic. The band was very accomodating and I'm really glad they gave me the opportunity to sing.

The first thing I realised was that the monitor was working perfect. I could hear myself and my voice was strong enough that I knew I wasn't doing too bad. There WAS a hiccup in the middle of the song, but on the whole, I think I did pretty well... Having a professional band behind you makes a LOT of difference... When I stepped down, I didn't know what the reaction would be. The only noise I heard was those from my friends... which was normal I guessed... That was until people came up to me and introducing themselves to me. No, they weren't people looking to sign a contract, but I guess I did decent enough to warrant a few praises, which I appreciate and am grateful for. I got a high from going on stage, and it was a lot better than getting drunk like a lot of other people in that room. I even had a whole jug of beer 'gifted' to me... which I quickly passed on to my friends... Sorry I didn't drink my share guys... I just don't drink!

I think the experience was great. It gave me a boost in confidence that sometimes, you can do things you never thought you ever could. It's a first step, and I pray that I can step out and do something extraordinary like this again sometime.

Yes, it's that time of the year again where everything becomes routine... wake up, study, lunch, study, tea, study, dinner, study etc. You catch the drift. That's the theory, but the practical won't quite materialise until probably next week. I have been able to go through the important ones though. Got a test on Saturday and I have only one more chapter to go. I also need to buck up a little bit on my Operating Systems assignment. The framework is there, but the debugging might kill, so I have to get everything done soon.

As students we have not much of a choice except to study hard and get the results that we should be getting. It's sad if some people lose their focus in university, doing a lot of things which although benneficial, aren't quite what God wants them to do... or anyone else for that matter. Sure, it is important to do more than just study in university, but I don't think we were meant to do all those at the expense of our results. No, not everyone is expected to be Dean's listers, but I think we ought to do the best we can based on our abilities. We should still aim high though...

I won't post much anymore because I should be concentrating more on studying. Occasionally I might post a thing or two to destress and get my mind off my books... but otherwise, I think it might be wise not to be too engrossed in writing about any issue at this point, except maybe to practice on my Chinese essay or something...

I think blogging is fun. It's one of the few avenues where you are 'free to express yourself', although it may not always be entirely true. I try to update even if it's a short one because I like the feeling of being able to log my thoughts as I journey through life. It can be quite fulfilling to look back at those times where you realise how much you actually grow.

There are many ways to blog, and I personally prefer a little mixture of everything. Occasionally I share personal experiences, or incidents which may be interesting and which I want to share. I post my thoughts about issues if and when they come to me and I feel passionate enought to say anything. I post simple links or interesting findings rarely, and sometimes I take those tests just for the fun of it and post the results up. Sure my blog can get serious, but that's only natural since I can be serious at times. It can get downright crappy too (although I generally avoid it if I can).

My blog is an expression of who I am. As much as possible I try to put forth my thoughts and feelings, which essentially make up who I am. No, I do not have the license to do anything... I'm not a solicitor of anarchy. I do however prefer not to be too inhibited by expectations and social norms unless there are actual strong reasons why I should. I cannot say the same for everyone, since I do not speak for every blogger in the blogsphere. It would be great if people were more vocal about things which extend beyond their personal life once in a while no?

Through blogging, I've also had contact with some people online whom I may never have met or known otherwise. While they may not exactly be my friends yet, it is still very appealing to me since some of them are really fun to talk to. Some share the same interests and opinions, and perhaps even passion for certain things in life which I may not find elsewhere. I'm not all that lucky to be close to my fellow bloggers (unlike a whole bunch of prominent ones in KL). One thing I can say about these bloggers in general though; they are articulate and at least bother to THINK further and bigger than their small little life.

No, this is not a rant. I guess you could say I'm just thinking how I actually view blogging. It is a great way to build up your thought process and meet people. It establishes your reasoning capabilities and sharpens it. It can tell people about you in ways even meeting face to face cannot, because it is a reflection of what you think and who you are inside. Blogging is to me, something positive, if we actually learn to use them in a positive way.

*Begin Rant*

Just came back from my oral presentation. No, I'm not satisfied with it. I really think I should've just ignored the time limit and went for impressive visuals. I wanted to play a few samples of anime, including scenes which portray the 'not for sale, rent or auction' caption as well as the 'please stop distributing when licensed' to show just how the community isn't out to rob the original artist. If I'd known everyone else would run overtime as well, I would've done that. It didn't help that the website I wanted to show was unavailable either. So much for a good presentation...

I think I'm just plain unlucky. Ulcer still hurts and I had to present... It wasn't that bad, but I know I could've done a lot better.

*End Rant*

Got another test on Saturday... luckily last night was productive...

I'm at the point where I can decide from this point what I want to achieve in the next few months. Semester is ending, and many things have to be done... most importantly studying for the exams. However, I also have to think about two other areas; my role in hall, and my ministry.

Firstly, no, I do not intend to take up too many things for hall... At most, I will do the one thing I am passionate about, concert. I still know my goal and my priorities, and I do not want to lose sight of that. I believe God has called me to prosper in this area, and I can't do it if I'm not focussed. I know I'm the 'jack of all trades' type, but for once, I'd like to do only the things which interest me, not try to take on too many half-rate things which I may not see through to the end.

The same goes for my ministry. I believe God is calling me to step up, but how exactly I still need to learn. I have received, and perhaps it is time to give it away. The only question is, to whom and in what area? I don't mind doing editorial work for the newsletter, nor do I mind bringing up a few new guitarists in cell. I should seriously pray over this as it will be an important decision for me.

Today was a pretty eventful day. I met Ps Victor and Aunty Kelly after service and it was nice to just talk to them. I bumped into both MOKS and Chi Wern in fact. That was quite interesting since I haven't seen them for so long. They're both doing great and I really believe that everyone is growing spiritually day by day.

I also kind of got a wake up call... in the sense that I had a little more sense knocked into me today. I don't know how exactly, but I'm going to try my best to press forward and not be hindered by anything else. I suppose talking about doing something isn't the same as actually going and doing it... because even if the intention was there, it is the carrying out which produces results.

The sermon was impactful too, the most outstanding point being: Don't live life at the edge, but at the CENTER of HIS WILL. That's a pretty profound statement if you stop to think about it. It is amazing how we as Christians are always questioning where the 'limits' are... because we have such a great tendency to be drawn into the world. The "how far can we go without sinning" mentality isn't quite the healthiest mindset. I'm not asking for people to be absolute prudes, but in living life, we have to be very clear on what God's will is... and I think that a lot of people don't get that, constantly trying to drive at the edge, wondering how far is too far, so that we can be right at the fringe. If your conviction in living life is that drinking is wrong, don't drink. True the bible didn't explicitly state "don't drink", but if your conscience tells you not to but you do anyway, you have sinned. In fact, if you do believe that drinking isn't for you, just don't... why put your life on the line? Aren't there enough challenges in life already that we don't need to go find another one to make life difficult?

I guess a lot of people would disagree. I AM somewhat of a conservative person... although I do understand that we are all influenced by the world. I don't believe in pre-marital sex, drinking, smoking or gambling. I do not believe in verbal abuse, revenge or senseless fightings. Living life indulging in such activities may seem ordinary, even necessary, in life today. However, I believe that regardless of what secularism may have us believe, if we understand and live life not trying to probe the borders of our 'holiness', but choose instead to do what is necessary to be in His will, life would be all the more fruitful and fulfilling.

I'm a prude, but so what? I don't impose what I believe on others. You've heard all the horror stories yourself, choose then which you want for your life.

Just a short post from me. Check this out:

CLICK

I want to watch!!!

我的家有四个人。我的爸爸在马来西亚工作。我的妈妈没有工作。 她很喜欢做菜。她做的菜很好吃， 我很喜欢。

我还有一位姐姐。她比我大两年。她现在在新加坡工作。她有一位男朋友。她不太高，可是很美丽。她也对我这个弟弟很好。我们两个都很忙，所以每个月见面部多次， 可是我们两个都很好。

我的家只有几个人，不是很大，可是我们都很相爱，也很开心。我很爱我的家人。

My first attempt at a Chinese essay. I can hear the laughter already... *sigh*

Yes, it's just like a 7 year old's essay, I won't try to deny the fact that it's sad to the point it's almost pathetic... but AT LEAST I'm no longer that much of a banana...

I think I'll stick with English thank you very much...

No, I'm not talking about computer scripting, but rather script writing in the literal sense. No, I don't fancy myself a truly artistic person capable of grasping and enjoying 'the beauty of art' although I do have a certain amount of respect for such pieces and the people involved. It is beyond my capabilities, and it doesn't particularly pique my interest either... I DO however, have interest in witty interesting (in the not so 'chim' sense) storylines or scripts, especially if they're funny and doesn't leave me wondering what in the world happened in the story...

Being in my hall production for 2 years running, I can honestly say that it's quite a lot of hard work, but a lot of fun. The 'success' of the production however, relies VERY heavily on the script. I had a hand in writing part of the script in my second year, but in all honesty, it was quite a small part. I wasn't the director so I didn't have the right to dictate the script. Still, I was given the privilege to help out... so I did. To be entirely truthful, I wasn't a hundred percent for the script that year. Perhaps it was the fact that I take concert as something put up by hall residents, mainly FOR hall residents. It is a production which should target more than anything else, the hall residents. Sad to say, even though we are all university students, most of us lack the capacity to understand and fully appreciate something of artistic value. There are those who can grasp the underlying message and appreciate the beauty of subtle portrayal of certain issues, but these rare gems are far and few in between. MOST of us would be quite happy to sit and laugh at a comedy, full of slapstick, crude jokes which I myself admit, is very entertaining. To put it succinctly, hall residents are looking for entertainment, not art.

DRHama (our hall drama team) put up two skits which I would like to compare and contrast. The first was a 'beautiful' piece done during Rhazz in my first year. While I do get the gist of the story, the skit was artistically done, with the main objective as provoking thought and trying to get people to appreciate that value. Unfortunately, being the unappreciative, less cultured people that most of them are, hall residents were totally turned off by it. A large number didn't get the 'chim' story and simply "didn't like it". In contrast, the skit put up for Phoenix Fest this year was simple, wild, full of 'lame' humour and had almost zero meaning behind it other than to retell a story in a funny way. There was plenty of laughter and the crowd was in stitches. The feedback after was that the skit was awesome. Obviously, hall residents enjoyed the entertaining skit much more than the artistic one.

Perhaps it is just that students nowadays are less 'cultured', in that they view 'art' in it's abstract form, as dull, boring, uninteresting and irrelevent. No, it is not a blanket statement, as there are always exceptions. However, I lament how a lot of university students have thrown aside these 'boring' pieces in favour of the more hip, happening and exciting pieces. They prefer entertainment to art, meaning they would choose to visit the cinema instead of an art museum, pick an action movie to an artistic drama, or a new CD instead of an abstract art piece. Being 'artistic' is equated to being boring, dull and uninteresting. I understand that people can have preferences, but the fact that most simply do not give art a chance is sad. It may be that the more sophisticated people are perceived to be the ones who will enjoy it, and students don't particularly want to be viewed that way... why that is is beyond me.

That said, I am pretty certain that hall residents look forward to a funny, simple story with good entertainment value and an interesting plot when it comes to hall productions. Once again, I am not the director, so it is not my place to dictate how the script would go. However, I'd opt for one which will suit the larger portion of the audience. Art is fine and good, but nothing beats having the audience laugh at the jokes, to have them identify with the characters portrayed, to have a good storyline and plot which takes the audience for a ride; In short, one with good entertainment value. It would appeal more to the residents and that would make it more successful than trying to get them to enjoy a 'chim' production. I say this not because I am against anything artistic or 'chim', nor am I a shallow, uncultured person who does not know how to grasp such things. I'm a pragmatic person, and it is only practical to appeal to your target audience. Concert is NOT to portray an artistic rendition of something, but rather is an activity to have the residents enjoy a time of fellowship as well as be entertained.

Just some of my thoughts. A little convoluted perhaps, but it happens to be, to me, the essence of script writing for a hall production in this time and age.

Conflict is funny. It is the one things which brings out the worst in man. It can be positive in the sense that it can bring out the best results in a given situation. However, it is very much something we all try to avoid because it largely generates discomfort, feelings of resentment and may escalate to violence. People have opinions about just about anything that matters to them. Some are vocal with them, saying what they feel and making it known. Others are more passive, preferring to keep their views to themselves. I am more of the former kind, which leads me to saying or expressing some things which I feel strongly about.

Arguments and debates are part and parcel of conflict. It may be long and convoluted like in a court case, or so short that it is almost non-existent, like in a bar brawl. The kind of argument that is benneficial is actually the ones which provoke thought, contain as little malice as possible, is non-personal, and with the participants all truly having a single solid objective. This is extremely hard to achieve, and I myself have failed more than once in this area. Refreshing debates are fun though, it helps sharpen your mind, give you new perspectives on things, and strengthens your reasoning skills... at least that's what I strive for.

I think that it's a skill. It requires knowledge, critical thinking and sound reasoning, but it's something which can be learned and sharpened over time. Which is also why I feel that sometimes, all it takes is a sharp wit and a reasonably sound logic to push through an idea. If you can answer all questions raised substantially, who can doubt that the idea isn't feasible? Of course, it takes facts, but every idea has sound reasoning behind it, and you'd be foolish to push for something with no basis. The whole trick is to structure your argument to sell your points and convince as many people as you can that you're right. Even if you don't have airtight, clear-cut proof, if you argue well enough, casting doubt on the opposition, it can win you the battle. Facts can be twisted to support or refute almost any claim. There can never be an 'absolute' argument because there are unlimited number of ways to view a situation.

The most important thing about arguments, is to remember to keep to the issue at hand and not get carried away with emotions. If things do get heated, take a breather... that's what I try to do when it gets too much... sometimes I remember to... sometimes... but I'm still learning... I really want to be a rational, thinking, logical and smart debator, meaning I don't ruffle feathers unnecessarily and belittle others, or get worked up when others do it to me. It's not easy, but it's definitely not impossible. I also hope to be the kind who debates not for the sake of debating or causing conflict (even though sometimes it is fun), but to make things better for everyone and to come to an amicable conclusion. Keeping that in mind is the most important thing in a discussion...

Yes, just some random musings about things... 'Deep thoughts' perhaps... but still interesting nontheless...

Oh, my wishlist is not a list of MUST GET things... To make it clear to everyone, it's a WISH LIST, not a MUST GET LIST... it's fine if I don't get any... not all wishes come true, in fact I believe most of them don't... And no, a wish is not the same as a vision... It's hard to tell them apart sometimes, but I think one is when you can work progressively towards, and the other you can't. I wish... nah... won't happen... >.< Guess I need to just suck it in and live with it...

These tests are normally done for fun, but surprisingly this one kind of hit the mark IMHO, even though I didn't know I was quite being tested (the questions seem totally unrelated) *shrug*

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger. You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause. You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you! A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

I'm the kind of person who seldom shops, don't feel the urge to buy a lot of things, and usually only purchase things that are really needed (although I occasionally splurge). Compulsive shopping isn't a problem, neither is overspending (I seem to be underspending in fact... ) Still, there have always been things that I would like to buy for myself but either feel it's not worth it or not quite the time to get it... at least for a period of time. Just taking this opportunity to share what are the things which I'm considering to actually buy in the next few months.

1) A new handphone. I think I'm the only person around still carrying a phone WITHOUT A COLOUR SCREEN, although I quite like my current one. It's old sure, but I keep my things in good condition, and it still looks good IMHO. My trusty 8310 has not been dropped more than five times... but I'm afraid it's starting to slowly die off. I get occasional lags in the phone interface which although not fatal can get annoying. So is the periodic 'auto-shutdown' (which I suspect is because the battery is loose). The phone is worth a lot to me, because the contact of almost everyone I know is in there... it holds great sentimental value and I won't part with it even if I get a new phone... So, what phone do I have my eyes on? Frankly, there aren't any simply because I'm waiting for a few months for my contract to expire (my contract was for a 6100 which my dear sister is currently using...). I don't need a state of the art one, but I WOULD like one with bluetooth if possible... Any good recommendations?

2) THIS baby. I've been looking to get my own guitar for a while now, but due to the fact that I think it wasn't quite worth it back then, I put it on hold. Now, I have a little more reason to possibly purchase this beauty. The pricetag is a hefty SG$1080 which although is roughly the price I'd pay for a guitar, isn't a small sum to fork out. I don't even dare to convert the price because I'd probably fall out of my chair. It may seem like a luxury, which is what I keep telling myself, but in the long run, I enjoy playing the guitar and investing in one isn't that bad a decision... perhaps I'll think it over more and consult my parents for their opinions... Wouldn't want to stretch their budget.

3) This blog. What do I mean? I was thinking of buying a little corner in cyberspace for me to put up my blog... among many possible other things. It's pretty cool to actually own your own domain, much like dear mk here. It doesn't cost all that much either, but I just feel that perhaps for now it's not quite the most practical thing to do... In a year or two maybe, just not now. Why? Because I already have a little space hosted by my dear faculty allowing me to put up certain things online. Add the fact that this blog is free too, there may not be a need just yet to pay for web hosting. I was looking at Exabytes (recommended by mk), and I found their deals pretty attractive. Add the fact that they're a Malaysian based company with excellent service, I don't see why I wouldn't use them... I guess I just need to find the 'opportune moment' to get a host.

4) A decent digital camera. I don't need a fancy shmancy one, just a plain, small, simple one will do. I don't need extremely high resolutions, but it shouldn't be a 1 megapixel one or something like that. A small one is handy since unlike ladies, I don't carry a handbag to place assorted stuff like makeup and possibly a digital camera when I go out. If you're wondering why the blog is lacking in the pictorial department, it's because I don't have the means to capture the things I want to... I'd start uploading and sharing more pictures here if I had one. I'd like one whithin the SG$200 price range, or cheaper if it fits my requirements.Although it's nice to have, I may not be using it as often as I'd like to, but it's just tiresome to have only one or two people around with cameras for all our birthday celebrations or other hall activities. It'd be cool to take pictures in church too... so this is in my wishlist as well... If this gets satisfied I 'might' start cam-whoring... then again, i'm not all that photogenic...

5) A nice MG model of Strike Freedom. I know it's not out yet, but I'm drooling over the HG model already. I have the MG Freedom, and since the time I took those pictures I've done a little panel lining to it, making it look quite impressive (IMHO). I've seen the Lightning Edition and although it's nice, I still prefer the MG series... It's more authentic and isn't so blocky. I know PGs are better, but they cost way a lot more and I don't think I can afford the money or the space... 1/100 is still my choice, and although I don't even know when it's due to be out, but hey, I can look forward to it... so it's in my wishlist.

6) I was a pretty big fan of console games when I was younger... but as I grew up, I started to shun them. I think my PC makes a better companion, since it can do much much more than just play games. However, sad to say, there aren't many games coming out for the PC anymore, at least none to look forward to. My outlook on the Video Games Industry isn't particularly supportive of consoles, but I AM looking forward to the new generation of them. The XBOX 360 is out, but I'm kind of a fan of Sony, so we'll see how the PS3 will turn out. The much rumoured FFXII has been released in Japan, but since my Japanese is next to non-existant, I guess I'll have to wait for the International/North America version. Oh wait, it's on the PS2... *gasp* Guess that means no FFXII for me... Next on my wishlist, which would probably not come anyway since I'll probably wait ultra long before I consider buying anything, would be a 3rd Generation Console. Which one I have no idea... heck, I don't even know if I'm ever going to buy any.

So there you have it. My wishlist and what I want to buy... In all honesty I wouldn't be surprised if I actually got none of them. It's nice to own some of these 'luxuries', but they're not necessity, and I'm not desperate for them... At least not yet... Now, if they were given to me as a GIFT, that'd be a different story... *wink*

I need to... I need to start being passionate again... I need to feel the eagerness to wake up every morning... I need to feel the rush when I know there's something I can look forward to... Getting with the motions is fine and good, but if you lack the fervency it hardly becomes anything worth doing.

Allow me this chance, to display my rant,
I may not deserve it but ignore it I can't,
What I'm going through now, I hope and I want,
To get it off my chest, though help me it shan't.

Life may or may not be like a box of chocolates,
You may never ever know just what you're going to get,
But sometimes you buy them, knowing well the going rates,
Meaning you also know, just what to expect.

What if the chocolate loses it's flavour?
What if it is neither sweet nor bitter?
Wouldn't you think it might perhaps be better,
To have the whole lot bitter altogether?

I think I'd prefer to have total bitterness,
Then I can look forward to perhaps total sweetness,
But when it's neither and totally tasteless,
Time passes by but I remain motionless.

To be lost in your world, knowing not what to do,
Is truly hard to handle, though we may play it cool,
I know life is tough, I go through it too,
Just suck it all up, or you'd be just a fool.

If one were bereaved of every last bit of hope,
Surely one would be inclined to be bitter,
But to be unsure if there exists even a little,
It hurts far worse since one can't see the future.

For you know not if, or why, or how,
You just close your eyes and remember your vow,
The lost you experience may just be for now,
But if it proves otherwise, though you cry, take a bow.

For God can restore, truly He does,
Just look to Him and trust in His love,
For what can man do except have faith in His words,
That He will guide us, while we continue to serve!

Just read a friend's MSN nickname... I think it holds true...

The opposite of love isn't hate... it's indifference...

I've slowed down my blogging recently... I thought it might be good not to post too many back to back since those who don't visit all that frequently might just have to read quite a couple of posts back if I did... Furthermore, there hasn't really been all that much interesting happening lately... at least none that I can recall...

The internet is a very interesting place... it's a huge library that let's you find just about ANYTHING you want... virtual or otherwise. There are no rules governing the internet, at least none that extend beyond certain limits, making it thrive solely on the principles of it's users. Morality and ethics are still existantial although minimal IMHO. That is expected since users are still governed by the existing laws in real life. Anarchy isn't quite the way to define the internet, but it's probably the one place which comes pretty close.

The internet isn't the safest of places. We have to look out for malicious software, viruses, worms and trojans, illegal or unwarranted infiltration of systems, illegal data corruption, cyber-attacks such as ddos attacks... the list is endless, and this doesn't even cover other moral and ethical issues like pornography, phreaking, information on how to cause trouble (think bomb making) in real life... even on the personal level, flaming, spam and other form of virtual abuse although causing minimal effect has escalated on numerous occasions into stabbings and other physical manifestations of that anger. Believe me, it isn't the safest place to leave a child.

Of course, there ARE benefits. A digital mega-library with all the information ANYONE could ever need is certainly not unwelcome. Need help for a cookie recipe? How about statistical data of the population of an African country? Need meteorological data? Help with homework? Fictional works to entertain? Need diagrams and pictures for clearer understanding? I have no doubt that you can actually find them on the internet, if you knew where to look. I believe I've mentioned before that when in doubt, your best friend is still Google™. This is the single most effective resource for information available in the world. Add the fact that we have video streaming, e-banking, video conferencing, internet telephone, online shopping and e-mails, we have an all in one package for companies and home users to conveniently utilise.

So what's the whole point? The internet is neutral, much like a car. You can use it for the purpose it was intended for, which is to disseminate information, but if is often abused by certain parties and the result is the internet we have now. Personally, I kind of like it. To be dead honest, if the internet was governed much like the real world, it would most certainly lose a lot of appeal. Things like free software (open source for example) and freedom of speech are rare enough as it is... and if the internet loses these characteristics, I may not be as keen to go virtual. I'm already pretty inhibited physically, having to mind my speech and speak only that which is 'politically correct and acceptable'... not that i'm an advocate for conflict, but sometimes I just have certain dissatisfactions which due to my hot-headedness needs to find an outlet. Not to mention NOTHING is free in the physical... not even food... so of course it'd be cool to have free software... (I personally like sourceforge... they host a lot of good open source software).

I like the internet now... it plays a pretty big part of my life... although that doesn't mean I neglect the physical world. I still hang out with friends and do sports occasionally, but I love it when I come back, face my computer and watch that latest episode of Mai Otome for example... that's something to look forward to each week. I enjoy surfing, blogging, chatting, watching videos on YouTube... especially between breaks when I'm watching webcasts or doing my tutorials or online assessments. My life revolves a lot around the internet... it may change in the future but I still think it's one of the coolest things that mankind ever invented.

Another personality test, although I don't know the validity or accuracy.


My Personal Dna Report

Never saw myself as earth/imaginitive, but I think the rest kind of hit the mark... at least if not the bullseye then certainly the area around it. I won't vouch for the credibility though, since I truly believe that personality is something one can see only in relation to others, so I leave it to you to tell me how valid it is.

This won't be a long post because it's late and I need to rest... I just feel like I needed to post this...

I attended Joycelyn's 21st birthday just yesterday, and it was quite fun. The bunch of us met up and just caught up with each other... again. I hope we helped to make her day... although I must admit I didn't really do all that much...

Now the thing which really caught my eye was the quote in Joycelyn's blog. It's in the title of this post. I can't help but feel that this quote is so true. I remember my 21st birthday and how fun it was, how truly blessed I felt, and how for the few times I can remember I was ecstatic. A lot of things have happened since then, but I really feel that this quote is very true. I never expected anything then because I knew it was the exam period (my birthday always falls on exam period). However, what I really really appreciate more than the gifts, are the people that make my life so meaningful. I know that people come and go in our lives, but I truly wished that all of us could remain friends forever and that the relationships that I have would not grow cold... sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.

I am very grateful to all of you who come into my life... I truly believe that God must have placed you in my life for a reason... and I thank you all for just being there, because your very presence make all the difference. Every time my birthday comes, what I truly want more than gifts and presents, is the presence of the people who mean the most to me... but I don't always get what I want... I understand that, because not everyone has all the time in the world for me... But I'm very sure that I'd be happier to have your company than to merely receive a present from you. That said, I'd of course be the happiest if they both came hand in hand! As long as it's not the case of neither...

Even if noone were there, I know You'd be, and I'm grateful for that, more than I could ever express. Thank you, Lord, for giving so much to me. I pray only that I would be able to do that which You want me to do, to NOT do that which You DON'T want me to do, and to keep looking at You through it all. Amen.

There are a good number of 'interests' that I have which may or may not actually be my passion. The difficulty is seperating the temporary interests from the passions. Is there a need to differentiate them? Ordinarily, I'd say no. However, as I look at myself, I realise that I'm the type of person who needs a good solid definition of both in order to get a clearer picture on what I should and should not concentrate on and invest my time in.

Apart from God (it's a passionate love definitely), what are the other things which inspire me, which I enjoy doing, for which I have the constant drive to run for. Is it music? Computers? Journalism? *cough*Sports*cough*? Anime and Manga? Gaming? Reading? Designing? I enjoy all of them... and to a great degree, I put in a lot of effort into some of them to the point that it may just become tedious boring and uninteresting. This is bound to happen to any interest... because I believe that too much of anything is bad anyway. However, without focus, I really feel that although I may do quite OK in some of these things (probably average or a little above average), I excel in NONE of them. It reminds me of the way I introduced myself back in JC. (People were quite irritated because they didn't like that I seemed so 'high and mighty'... but then things have changed somewhat since then) Asked to introduced myself and my interests, I told them I could be aptly described as a Jack of all Trades, but Master of None. It still holds true today.

Let's start with my 'seemingly' musical background. I 'know' how to play the piano, violin, drums, guitar, harmonica and if it's counted, the recorder. Granted my experience in some of them could equate to literally ZERO, but for others I seem to do pretty OK. Strangely, the ones I excel in the most are those which I had little or no formal training but picked up on my own (namely the guitar and drums), although to be perfectly honest my standard isn't even worth mentioning. There are so many better players everywhere and I don't think myself as anywhere near 'good'. Likewise, my 'skills' at singing is far below what would be considered good, as is my skills in computers, gaming and designing. I enjoy doing all of these, I really do. However, I just don't seem to focus much into any ONE of them and really excelling in them. Whether or not this is a good thing is debatable.

To focus on a passion means to sacrifice time and effort into doing one particular thing (something I believe the Japanese are very good at). They dedicate themselves as much as possible to that ONE thing they enjoy doing and although they may not turn out the best in it, they know that they focussed and worked hard to achieve what they could. Sadly, I can't say the same for myself. I don't see any ONE interest that I have that would have me drop most others for the sake of pursuing it. This has however, caused me to be in the above mentioned dilemma, since I fail to really excel in ANYTHING. I truly feel that one of the best ways to describe me, is mediocrity. I feel like Archie Andrews™ who's constantly being defined as the most average teenager (or in my case, person) minus his good luck and the girls. I don't think there's anything wrong with being average in many different things, but honestly, it isn't gratifying to be 'broad' in terms of knowledge and skills, instead of 'deep'.

For starters, people remember the greats of different areas, not the average joe's. It is the people who excel in a particular field that make history, that are considered successful, that achieve greatness, not the people who are average in everything. Not that recognition is everything, but honestly, noone average has ever been considered successful, and neither has anyone who moderately succeeds in a lot of different areas. I may claim that I enjoy living my life this way and that I want just an average, simple, mediocre life. However, I don't believe ANYONE truly feels that way inside. We all have dreams of success, of achieving our dreams, of becoming what we want to become, of accomplishing great feats, and this comes only through focus.

That said, it is still not clear to me what exactly I'd like to excel in. I enjoy doing a variety of things, but I really feel that this results in me being an average all rounder. That doesn't speak very highly of myself. I will however say this: interests and passions are judged based on achievements, in terms of skills, in terms of knowledge... but they are a far cry from one of the most important thing that we should focus on in life, character. Interests and passions can help to mould and shape our character, and it is very important that we do so. I'm still thinking long and hard about whether or not I ought to give up certain interests and focus on other passions, or whether things are perfectly fine, that I just want to remain mediocre. I'm also wondering that if I WERE to choose to focus only on certain passions, which would they be? I'm further contemplating what I want to achieve out of life, in so many areas, and I certainly hope God gives me the wisdom to choose the right ones. What are the right ones? Those that are according to what He wants me to do...

I just finished a tiring but enjoyable Phoenix Fest 2006. It was pretty cool although the crowd was a bit small (who am I kidding, it was really small). Started off with a song by band (I was on the drums) and we played a relatively slow number called 'Help the Aged'. It wasn't spectacular but considering the number of practices we had were few, I'd say we pulled it off pretty well... This was followed by a choir performance (technically two... but well... *shrug*) but I was warming up so I didn't get to see much of it. Then came my dance item, which was really tiring. I think street dance or whatever it is Jonathan choreo-ed isn't for me... I don't have the stamina to keep up... (which probably also tells me I should start exercising more, although that won't happen unless I decide to haul my lazy ass up and start doing some running)

The rest of the show was entertaining to say the least. We had seniors and final years performing too, and they were really cool. Willy and gang put up a good item which was funny yet looked great. The senior choir too did a good job, especially their rendition of Green Day's Basket Case. Jie Xiao's dance was really 'Pao-werful'. DRHama was really good too... although I had a bit of a hard time hearing the dialog (which was quite witty IMHO). CME put on a good show too, although as far as instruments go, I'm not much into classical... but don't get me wrong... I like sentimental songs... and I think +Unplugged did remarkably well too.

And yes, I will thank the Tech team. They always go unappreciated, but they were really accomodating and I really take my hats off to them. The sounds were definitely up to mark, especially for the senior band performance. Thanks to culture comm too for putting the whole event up!

So is that it? Just a report on Phoenix Fest? Not entirely... I'd like to address an issue I noticed about performances in hall... something which may go unnoticed by a lot of people...

Is it just me or is the quality of performances dropping slowly but surely? We see seniors doing this and seniors doing that and they always put up spectacular performances... even though they may not belong to that activity. Since I'm not quite as senior, I really see that the quality of their performances outstrip ours. Is it because we lack practice? Is the problem because of skill? Is it because we're doing things just because we have to, whereas for them they do it because they WANT to? Do we lack the passion? Will we ever reach that stage where we will ALSO outperform our juniors in the future? Would that be a good or bad thing? Difficult questions to answer... But one thing for sure, the 'juniors' in hall need to buck up and hone their skills... the performances can be good, but I believe we still have a long way to go... all of us...

Not only that, but I think appreciation is on the decline. Looking at the number of people around, either it's just a case of it receiving such a mediocre support because there are mid-terms, or people are just apathetic. I know that not everyone agrees with hall life, but it's just sad that so many couldn't care less. Yes, the performance may not be great... but I really think that it's not bad, and coming down to destress a little wouldn't hurt. I mean, life entertainment isn't all that bad... plus it's only for 2 hours or so... Guess I'm just ranting... but it just makes my suspicion that halls in NUS are sinking deeper and deeper into oblivion stronger.

Performances need commitment, practice and passion. If I have any two but lack the other I won't be able to put up a good performance. Teamwork is important too, since you can't do a lot by yourself (solo performances possibly, but how many people actually go solo?) I think performance artists should put in at least this much if they want to perform. Otherwise, don't bother. It would be a waste of other people's time and other people's effort. No, it didn't happen to me, but I really think that we ought to enjoy doing it, commit ourselves to it, and work on it. Then the performance would be a hit... but that's just my opinion...

I finished PoP. It was a good short game that was interesting, fun, realistic (yes I still think it looks realistic), puzzle filled game. The fact that you took at most one hour to play it made sure it was just a destress tool...

Been pretty busy lately with a lot of things coming up (Phoenix Fest mostly)... and I'm dancing as well as playing the drums. Had a mid term today too... and it wasn't all that bad... I think... I hope...

I also just learned that one of my friends may have a medical condition. I'm praying hard that things will go well for her. She's worried, but I guess the only thing I can do is pray for her...

I had a mid term today... and it was... tough. I did what I could really...

I decided to take up producer for next year's concert. I really do want to try and make it a good one... and I even have some ideas already. Now isn't the time to think too much about it though... and if possible, get as much done in the holidays so I don't have to worry too much about other things...

And yes, this is just a small update. No, I don't have anything I want to write about... not yet anyway... Don't seem to have the time or mood to write... maybe after tomorrow...

I've always been a big fan of good games which may be old, but embody the very essence of gaming. Sure, cool graphics, awesome effects, realistic surroundings and surreal sound effects may be excellent in a game, but a lot of games that come out now just don't have the 'wow' factor some of the older simpler games have. By older and simpler, I'm referring to PC games such as Lucasarts™ adventure games (SamnMax, Full Throttle, DoTT, Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, and the unforgettable Monkey Island series), Sierra™ adventure games (King Quest series), Flight simulators like Lucasarts™ X-Wing vs Tie Fighter, FPS like Wolfenstein 3D, Doom, Quake, Strategy games like Westwood Studio's C&C and Red Alert. Even console gaming has changed, and I remember some classics like the good old scrolling beat-em-up type games (like Bare Knuckle / Streets of Rage for the Sega Megadrive system), regular beat-em-ups (Street Fighter, X-Men, Mortal Kombat) and scrolling platform games (Mario Brothers and Sonic the Hedgehog). These were what I grew up playing and till now, I simply have a soft spot for them.

Recently, I had the opportunity to replay some of these classics (Theme Hospital anyone?) and I suddenly realised that despite how 'horrible' the graphics may be now, it is still superb to play and has the most important ingredient that any game of this type ought to have... the element of FUN! Now I'm not going to say that all new games don't incorporate this in their games, but what I do want to emphasize is that I don't find the appeal in a lot of the current games that seem to be released. For starters, I'm a PC person, meaning my gaming world is more geared towards the PC than the console. Perhaps I just don't move with the times, but I just don't really agree with many console games. FPS are my main gripe... NOTHING can replace the old mouse+keyboard when it comes to fast reaction. I agree that it depends on the genre, meaning football, beat-em-ups and the like would be better of in consoles, and those requiring precision movement for the PC. Looking at the current releases however, I must say that Halo 2 for example was released for the X-Box, and I still don't see a PC version. Come on, it's an FPS, leave it to the good old mouse instead of trying to do a second rate job by a second rate controller. This is precisely the reason I refuse to play the game, even though I know that it's cool.

Technicalities aside, there simply aren't any good upcoming releases that actually have me drooling over. None that make me excited enough to look forward to a release date. None that I find remotely facinating... perhaps it's because my choice genre is one where people actually use their brains and enjoy the story of the game instead of merely blasting every moving thing like the mindless roles we tend to take in new games. Perhaps it is also because I'm not so much into eye-candy; so what if the game is the most realistic game? It's not how realistic the game is that makes it fun... it's the gameplay, the story, the appeal. I personally don't need to have every single one of my senses tell me that it seems real before I can enjoy a game. Even if the graphics were really awesome, and things were really realistic, or perhaps because it is TOO realistic, I'll start not to like the game... it'd be too much of a chore to handle it like in a 'real' situation.

But I digress. Perhaps I'm just a sentimentalist reliving the golden era of computer games, who enjoys the simpler things in life, who loves the conceptually witty but may not be as technically advanced type of games. All I do know is, I certainly enjoyed playing a lot of these old games, and even now, if I can find them I would still choose them over say, Doom 3. Not that it's necessarily bad just because it's new, but I prefer originality and the fun factor. I'm half disappointed in Lucasarts™ (yes, now you know... I absolutely love their works) for not releasing Full Throttle 2. I'm unhappy because I can't get to play it, but I'm happy because they realise that the quality of the games they produced before have such a high reputation and standard that it's hard to meet. This also tells me that they KNOW what fans of their games (people like me) actually want... not necessarily eye-candy that makes us melt, but more importantly, a game with good playability, plot and has a lot more wit than mindless grinding or fragging. Hopefully, they'll be able to come up with more such games in the future... I certainly have high hopes for them.

God is good. Just as I posted about perseverence, (see previous post) God spoke those exact same words to me in CG today. I am remembered that God loves me, in spite of what I am, He just loves me for me, not because of what I do. He encourages me and no matter what I face, I just smile when I'm in His presence.

This was one busy week (explains the sporadic infrequent posts). I have another tight one coming up, so I'm getting the rest I need wherever I can... God give me strength...

I look weird... been peeling all over the past few days after the 'lobsterfied' event last week. I hope it's healing well... I don't mind the sun really, but I'm just the kind of person that can't get a tan... I just burn, turn red, start peeling, and a few days later I'm white again...

I don't really have much to write, so I won't attempt to drag this too much. No pressing issues to blog about either, at least none that I can think of at this point. Except maybe the interesting discussion I had in the taxi today about how some people give yes and no answers, which may seem to be the type of answer that has no stand. I personally think that it depends on the question, since no matter what issue it is, there's always bound to be a counter-argument, with the exception of what's mentioned explicitly in the Bible (at least that's the case for me). I'd like to think that everytime I take any stand on any issue, I'd want it to be based on biblical principles... or if it's ambiguous, according to my own convictions. Despite what some people may think, I don't expect everyone to take my point of view on any issue which may arise, but I know that personally, I like the idea of moderation in any issue. Simply put, my stand will almost always be that too much of anything will be bad, so regardless of what the issue is, if it's in moderation, I don't really have a problem with it... However, that also depends on the situation, and since I'm not bringing any issue up, I'll leave it at that.

I remembered something today which struck me as very real. Life isn't mostly about the exciting things that happen, it's very much in the mundane, ordinary, boring things that we HAVE to go through (even if it's mechanically) every single day of our lives. I like to look forward to exciting days, like when I had an outing planned, or a celebration, or a date... something that makes me get up and out of the usual cycle of things and go and do something different. It gives me a lot of drive and motivation to go through the day well, and even if it doesn't, I can always tell myself that things are going to be great. But they don't come often, and sometimes, like now, they seem non-existant...

I know that we can't live life going from one event to another, from one party to another, from one meeting to another... it's not just ABOUT all that, although it's important too. There are things like sitting down and reading (could be studying), preparation, research, work, practice, all the behind the scenes work for those 'events'. I know that events are important, which is why I involve myself in them, but life isn't just about events... but I won't go too much into it since I already did. I guess I'm just trying to vent my frustrations and remind myself that doing these mundane, everyday things are part of life, that it builds character (which I pray and I pray is happening), that it is temporary and those exciting things will come again.

In the meantime, it's all a matter of perseverence, to continue working hard at getting things done the best way I know how. I've been doing my work as much as I can, but I'm still disappointed in myself for not successfully doing more. I feel down, burdened, in a valley... and some of you know that things in my life are falling apart everywhere I turn. I'm not going to blame anyone, or start going into depression now, I'm just stating a fact; that's the way my life is right now. I'm working my way out of it, but it takes some time... especially since I think this is the lowest period I've ever experienced. I look to God, and even if I may not see my breakthrough just yet, I continue to trust in Him.

These few days have been really hectic... Been 'working' from the time I wake up almost to the time I sleep. Of course, it's not just school work, I continue to pray for strength. Been needing more sleep than ever, and I probably won't get it this weekend either. Tomorrow is pretty light though, so I pray that at least I can get SOME rest then...

Still considering future prospects in hall, what direction I want to go... Lord please reveal to me Your will...